Lately, I find myself to be less trusting of people. 

Most of the time, you never really know what you are going to get. Or even who. Or even how people will react to you. People who question your motives and think that you are part of a 'tribe', people who regard you as a friend only to drop you when they can no longer be arsed, people who don't think twice about arranging things to their own benefit or people who think that I have no feelings/opinions about anything or everything. 

Let me set the record straight. We are no longer in primary school. 

I have opinions and of course, I have feelings *rolls eyes* Just because I don't invoke tears or start yelling at the drop of a hat, doesn't mean that I don't care. Often, too bloody much. However, my way of doing things is to talk it out directly and listening to that second or third opinion. Oh, I won't be an idiot and take your words wholesale. I may not like what I hear, but I try my darndest  to not go overboard. Overreacting is not the way forward. But if you are too stubborn or defensive to listen, then why the hell should I try so hard to convince you otherwise? Obviously, a judgement has been passed and a decision has been made. So me being rational and laying out my cards is moot. 

If you are going to be dramatic and only harp on your point of view, then I am not interested in your drama. I don't trust that you will give me a full picture of what's going on. Me shutting you out and moving on, is my way of getting through all the 'talking'. There is only so much talking a person can do and if at the end of the day, I am supposed to just listen to you then hey, you are a dumbass. You want a soliloquy, not a conversation. If your opinion is the only thing that matters, then I don't see a need to argue. But if you are, by some miracle of God, willing to hear me out, and argue or discuss salient points, then sure, by all means. Just be prepared that you too, may not like what I have to say.

What I am saying is: just because I don't react to drama doesn't mean I don't care. I just don't care to be part of silly, petty things when there are bigger issues at hand that need to be attended to. Messing about with the small things, just mean that no one wants to deal with the major issues. 

At any point of time, I would rather have real, authentic experiences with people. So, save your drama and know that I don't trust easily. Trust is definitely earned, not handed out like free tissue paper on a street corner. 

Apparently when it comes to relationships these days, everyone's a wimp.

A couple of months ago, I learned that it's not kosher to like the person that you're with. So so so, it's ok to screw around with 'em but you cannot like them. Once you do, someone dies...or will. Like woa, y'all.

Why do we have to be so freaking scared? Is it a crime to like the person we're with? Or has the media and our continually warped society conditioned us to nitpick everything about our partners so that we're never happy or we can never be sure of them? Why live in paranoia?

Case in point: I was going through a tough time in my previous relationship. The ex's ex has thrown a spanner in the works and it was giving me sleepless nights that they were meeting and talking. He gave no reassurances and I was a mess, attempting to remain calm while the man I liked was thinking about another.

When I confided this to a guy friend, he simply said: why did you go and like this man? The genius goes on to clarify: sleeping with him is ok, but liking him is out of the question. Did he say he likes you?

What did I just transcend into another dimension? Am I being punk'd? Am I still stuck in secondary school?  

When I stopped gaping, I thought:  Wait...why am I still friends with you again? Why are you so scared? According to the genius. its about protecting your heart but letting your d!@# hang free. WTF.  It's no wonder that he gets into all sorts of scraps with a variety of creatures and is unable to hold on to the woman he really likes.

It is also this type of warped thinking by men and women that makes people doubt themselves to the extent that everyone lives in fear. No one wants to commit, even saying 'I like you' is tantamount to a declaration of grand love. People are crippled by an inability to even express affection, but they don't have trouble fucking around or playing with others' feelings. What the hell is going on?  

Just because a man/woman is scared, indecisive and doubtful doesn't mean that you have to be too. To be honest, I'm not as brave as I sound - I've been hurt many times too. But at the same time, I won't let self doubt cramp my style. Naive? No...I'd rather be upfront about my intentions so that there is no mistaking what I want. Games are for kids.

It seems that after a while, almost everyone I know has tried or is trying out online dating sites to see if they can meet that elusive other half. Not that there is anything wrong with being introduced to potential dates or meeting people at clubs, bookstores or at your building but online sites tend to offer people the more direct route into someone’s personality before you meet them.

Over the last weekend, a bunch of girlfriends and I we were discussing the types of people that we’ve come across in our various online/offline expeditions.

1. Interviewers. Intense sorts who ask a lot of questions. All you can think is: am I interviewing for a job? (and why did I say yes to talking to this fella?)
2. Serial shaggers. Men who prowl dating sites for an easy lay. Some actually bother with a nice introduction schpiel before launching into their actual intentions.  
3. BFFs. Guys who want to widen their social circle, meet more friends, etc. This is the category that most guys fall into. 
4. The undecided. These types should be shown the door immediately. They have no freaking clue what they want because they probably just broke up. They will tell you their life story and can't decide if they want to date, should date or continue dating. They probably can’t find their way out of a paper bag while holding a flashlight.

Thus far, the results have been less than stellar. At most, we've  all made a few new friends. At worst, we had to fend off some horny asshole or another. I have to say that while being propositioned is somewhat flattering, it’s not how most women work. I'm disturbed that some guys actually think that they can get away with such things, especially in Singapore. Hello, did you think I was born yesterday?  It’s quite disturbing but is this the new way of dating? You shag someone first then decide if you want to continue to see them? I don’t think I will ever get this concept.

I have to say though, that the most frustrating, hair-tearing type to meet online is the ‘almost right one’. You click, you find so many things about each other that are complementary and you can hold a decent conversation. Then at the last moment, he either does a Houdini, or ups and says ‘let’s just be friends’ or ‘I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship’. Un-fucking-believable.

The one thing I did cotton to early is that whether online or offline, some main dating rules still apply.

• Always look great. Whether it's your profile picture or your general appearance. Make the effort. No one wants to date a slob or the bag lady...save your inner slob for later.  Shallow? Of course. If anything, online dating allows you sift out the chaff even faster. 
• Be yourself. Nerves get the best of us, but both parties will enjoy themselves more if you relax a little and be yourselves.
• Never reveal information you don't have to. Enigmatic is the word! 
• Keep dates brief, but your date interested. Less is always more.

At the rate I'm going, it seems that I'd be better off diving back to my busy schedule. What is the point, really?

As you  know, I've been eternally grousing about how salsa dancers need not as svelte as ballet dancers and here's proof. Been watching a couple of videos from the World Salsa Championships and it's more of a testament to a dancer's skill than it is only to her body or weight.

Just look at these couple of videos:







Sure, the ladies are bigger but then again, they also move with a confidence and assurance that puts newer (and some slimmer) performers to shame. Plus, they can do whatever a smaller girl can, so I don't see why we should only focus on body types or highlight slimmer girls only. I get it that slimmer people present better silhouettes but just focusing solely on them presents the wrong picture. It makes people who are bigger sized more self conscious and less likely to want to learn to dance. That is the antitheses of salsa which celebrates the love of dance and movement for everyone.

Hey, most of us are not small sized so please take note!

Grousing aside, I did watch some other amazing couples such as Edier and Luisa. This couple placed 2nd in the Cabaret category. Cabaret is the category where the couples focus on dips and tricks in their performance in addition to dancing. This is probably the most physically demanding of the categories. 





and Anchi and Anne, whose performance I really enjoyed because they looked like they were having so much fun. In case you were wondering, they came in 2nd in the On2 category.





The On2 champions are Luis and Anya





And in the On1 category, Christina and Liz. On1 is still the style I dance in but it seems like the performance team I'm with will be migrating into On2 next year. I can't wait!



What's life without a little inspiration to keep you going? ;)

Picture thanks to Tom Phillips

Mondays.

On days such as these, I just do NOT want to be in the office or anywhere near work.  I am generally grouchy and it’s best to stay away.

There is something about Mondays that just pisses me off. So it is the day where work begins for most of us, cue nonsense people calling, work piling up and things that won’t work smoothly. I just end up like Garfield – wanted to pull my blanket over my head and hide from the world while I ‘work out’ my issues with the day. Don’t get me wrong, I generally like my work. I just despise Mondays.

Then I find out that a guy friend of mine got hitched over the weekend.  Cue small panic attack.

Just when you think that Monday couldn’t get worse, it almost imperceptibly does. So why am I all panicked?

To me, this friend represents the type of expat who maximises his time in Asia. The type who lives the bachelor high-life, who does not really commit and is totally living for the moment. Ok, to his advantage, he was going out with his current girlfriend for sometime before tying the knot but still, him getting married just brings out the totally irrational feelings in me. If this clown can get married to the ‘simple’ girl he desires, what about me?

*breathes into a brown bag* Ok, ok so having a pity party for one is not so hot. But I’m human that way.
Now, don’t get carried away and think that I have any feelings for this clown. I don’t and never did. It’s been an amusing ride, watching him go through all the motions and I’m glad that he’s found his right woman but this post is about me.

It’s incredible how female friends who get married don’t rankle as much. But when male friends do, it is a bloody event. I feel like a mother whose child has finally grown up and found his feet - a totally ‘aww, my boy is finally getting married’ misty moment. I guess it’s just the fact that I thought these guys would never tire and settle down. Why? Because at any one time, the guys are always ‘on the hunt’ they never seem satisfied with what they have. Somehow younger, bigger tits and sleeker or just generally better looking is what they seem to seek. Brains seem to be optional.

It’s like a swift kick in the stomach. It brings up questions like: What am I doing about my life? Why am I still single? Am I not meeting the right people?  Am I too cynical to love? Will I be alone? One particularly tragic-comic incident was the strange dream of me being married to Ryan Reynolds and having totally warm and fuzzy feelings (this is some weird Canadian connection, I’m sure) Am I going bonkers? ARGH! Channelling angst into my dreams! GAH!

I do get these feelings once in a while. Just a couple of twinges but nothing I can’t handle. To have the twinges extend to this is hysterically bad. *tries to calm down* Ok, ok…looks like some cheering up is inorder.  In view that this is a Monday, I guess I can get away with a small pity party.

Tomorrow, things will fall back into equilibrium. For now, I will panic and then get over it.

I heard on the radio that today, 30 August 2010 is Talk Intelligently Day and incidentally also Toasted Marshmallow Day. Who the hell comes with this crap?

Ha, I guess it is talk bitchily day for me then.  Judging by this blog, it’s been somewhat of a career for me, not just a day :p

How on earth do you get people to talk intelligently? Is there a class you can send them to? How about something on the internet?

Intelligence seems to be the missing ingredient these days. It's a given that people talk but isn't there anything intelligent to say other than stating the obvious? I’m cool with people being bimbotic, gosh knows I have plenty of those moments. There are also times when you make the most silly or naive comments. Those are ok too. No one is freaking prefect.

My pet peeve are the people who make the most inane, dumbass comments and think that they are smart or witty. These would be the same people who think that irony and sarcasm are vitamin supplements. Lately, there happens to be a dearth of moments like these with my jolly clients, or rather, client. It makes you think: “Are they kidding me?” And then they proceed to stun you with a follow-up comment that cements their lack of brain cells, going: “What do you think?”

Other than yelling, “Are you out of your freaking mind?!” The stunned silence is probably the most polite thing I can manage in that moment. All I can say is that I am truly grateful for the mute button on phones. Most times, that helps me assimilate my thoughts into something more rational, tactful and constructive. Other times, it masks the sound of me banging my head on the table or giggling my ass off.

The other thing that riles me are Singaporeans who constantly bitch about foreign talent. When you question them about their derision, have you ever heard a single intelligent and viable response? NO. Why? Because then they would have to spend a bit more time and brain cells to carve out a response...and we all don't have time for that. It's the government's job. Will Singaporeans ever want to do anything about it? NO. So you bitch to no end over nothing. Idiots.

Passive-aggressive people, you are on the hit list too. Grow some balls, a spine, something and for god’s sake, DO SOMETHING. All the gumption that you have in the world will not make up for the credibility you lose for not saying or doing anything. All the contained aggression you have will gestate and then implode, and then you will be a platter on the sidewalk. That’s spontaneous explosion for you.

Ah Mondays... Sometimes you have to let out some of that inner aggression kept from the week. This will be followed by a bout of Toasted Marshmallows when I get home.

This past weekend saw the full moon lunar eclipse which resulted in some crazy behaviour. According to astrologers, our moods are affected by the changing tides of the moon (or something like that - I'm at best, an armchair astrologer). It certainly proved true in one situation this weekend.


As some of you may know, I'm going to be part of a good friend's bridal entourage come September. The bride, who is a really cool chick, actually set out to tailor the bridesmaid's dress for all seven of her 'sisters' or bridesmaids. She sent us dress samples, colors and told us to pick what we wanted. The good news is that we all settled on the same fuschia, halter dress.

What she probably didn't count on was four of her bridesmaids wimping out on her. The cows.

Apparently four of them went to get their dresses altered over the weekend, and as a herd decided that the dress (1) made them look fat (2) was too low cut! Reality check: you are probably fat in the first place! Also, since you are at the tailors, did it occur to you that the woman can bring up the neckline? Freaking airheads. Imagine the surprise when another friend and I got messages from the bride to tell us that we could wear anything we wanted on her wedding day.

What pissed me off royally is that these ladies gave no thought or consideration to the bride who probably has a million other things to worry about rather than bitching about the dress. Did they even stop to realize that as bridesmaids, we are the supporters of the happy occasion and not the stars? The dress is paid for. It's not like we can return them. I've attended weddings where the bridesmaids wore the most garish outfits, this is certainly not the case. Well, until now. So now we're supposed to be at the wedding looking like what? Individuals attending a party? Thanks for spoiling the bride's weekend, you cows.

This brings me to another thought. If you didn't like the final choice that was decided upon, why didn't anyone voice out their concern to the bride? If that had been done, we may have different dresses today. However, since that didn't happen, the wise thing would be to shut-up and wear the damned dress. Furthermore, the bride has told everyone that they will be part of the official wedding photographs. Now the woman has yet another thing to work out - how the hell to fit in a mish-mash of idiots into my official wedding portraits.


The tailor, who probably saw a good portion of her business walk out of the door remarked that the bride should just get rid of the pissants. I agree. But the bride is a nice girl - unlike me. I'd have told the bitches to shut the fuck up and wear the freaking dress cos it sure ain't their wedding. And if they didn't like it, they can always be replaced.

I woke up this morning to the tune of the neighbours and the RC chairman banging on my window and door. I sleepily got up, only to smell paint on my front door. I had two missed calls and a text message from the neighbours informing me about the mess.

Thankfully, they called the police too and by the time I placed my call, the men in blue were on the way. I am feeling super tu lan (this is hokkien for annoyed, followed by a string of expletives). The police came by to take my statement and there I was, all bleary eyed and sleepy. Despite being sleepy, I asked if they will consider putting up cameras because almost everyone has been vandalised now. Response: we will see. Na beh. Are you waiting for someone's house to burn down first?

This is the second time since January 2010 that my door is vandalized by loansharks. This time, they did it while I was sleeping and most likely in the wee hours of the morning.

Along the same floor, my neighbours have experienced the same thing. The kind uncle next door who waters my plants and looks out for us got nice splatters of brown too. While the other couple who live next to him got their own splatters too.

The photo above shows the unit and mobile number of the offenders. According to the police, these idiots pleaded innocence when they were investigated. But seriously, how innocent can you be if the mobile number is yours? This time, the mobile number is different but I'm thinking, we should just call it for fun and see who answers. I know that there have been cases of mistakes but this is too much. And you are vandalizing the neighbours because this is some reverse psychology? Grow the fuck up!

If you are wondering what happened in Jan, here (right) is the photo.

My mum, as mums normally do, freaked out the first time and got my aunt to help clean the door immediately after the police left. This time, I'm going to adopt the uncle's stance and leave the red on. Why? To show that hey, you already did my door. I refuse to change the door or remove the paint. What if I did and they vandalized it again? I can't keep buying doors and frankly, it just pisses me off.

So while I'm hoping that the police will solve this, I am also hoping that the neighbour who is responsible for borrowing money is shamed into paying it. Or moving away. Yes, I can be an armchair psychologist too. I've heard the loanshark stories and I hope that things will not escalate or get worse, especially to the neighbours who do not owe the loanshark anything. We do not need to pay for the sins for others.

Friends. Sometimes, we can bond over the weirdest of things.

Over the Chinese New Year weekend, my sister had two of her friends come over for a reunion-cum-birthday dinner. During the course of dinner, MC suddenly mentioned that one of the most useless characters that Singapore ever had was the Courtesy Lion. In a bout of bloodthirsty-ness she went on to describe how she’d always wanted to pounce on the local icon and just rip it a new hide.

MC (enthusiastically): It’s bloody useless! And smiling all the time, all you want to do it just beat it up!
BW: That actually sounds like a plan. Maybe we should do something about it...(rubs hands together in glee). What, ambush from the bushes issit?
MC: No! We hold a wire and trip it first. Then when it’s in the floor we whack the shit outta it. Phwoar! Will feel damn good! (You can tell that someone’s damn enthu about this thing, thought long and hard, can)
BW: Yea man, we can tag team and beat it to a bloody pulp for being useless and smiling for nothing! Plus it has a stupid song!
Both (manically): MWHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes, sometimes frustrations need an outlet to air but maybe the powers that be heard us.

On Thursday, I went back to the office and lo and behold! The Courtesy Lions which used to line the lawn beside the MICA building in Hill Street – were gone. *ROFL*

When I think back about all the local characters that we’ve had, nothing’s improved. Well, despite all the bloody mascots, Singaporeans are not any more gracious. In fact, we can be really obnoxious about it. Singaporeans just expect you to move away when they approach or glare at you so that you will move out of the way. Hey, what happened to saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’? Basic courtesy takes you places, people.

And hallo, powers-that-be, how can normal Singaporeans expect to take anything seriously if you keep treating us like children? And what’s up with Lyo and Merly? We should just pile them all up in a bonfire and burn the suckers! Rar!

Part 1 - Yes, this is a damn long post
Personal values vs other’s perceptions which one would you hold on to when it comes down to the crunch?

I recently left a job that I really liked to move into greener pastures. While things were all fine and dandy (well as fine as they can be) at first, reality began to set in a few years ago with changes in management. It is surreal. Somehow it feels like I went home one night and work up in the middle of Survivor. I was almost voted off the island by some really sneaky backstabbers. I was like...'Hold the presses! Weren’t we all here to work?' How in the hell did I end up as a cast member of Survivor?

The situation that I was flung into made me realize one thing: I didn’t work so hard to be voted off the island by assholes who are building their own alliances or empires. I worked for me, to improve and build on my skillset. I chose to leave the island because it no longer offered opportunities for me – the island only offered those opportunities to the people who grovel and chose to be sheep. I’m sorry, but I’ve worked too long and too hard for all this bullshit. Yes, politics are played on all sorts of fields but when flimsy excuses were given to me to build a case, I decided it was best to move – for my personal esteem and also for my well-being. My clients liked me and my work and that was good enough, right? Apparently not. Apparently not playing ball is a strict no-no. You can’t just work here; you have to be part of ‘the system’. It’s ok. I’m gone. I’m also gratified to hear that one of the backstabbers is suffering in my place. Well, that is karma for you, dickhead.

Well, not everything is bad on the island. What I will miss the most are the people who have grown with me. There are always some good eggs and these people I will cherish. We went through a lot and that is invaluable to me. I hope you survive, guys.

Part 2 - Bear with me, can?
The next incident is something that is giving me pause for a cause is about a good friend of mine whose tumultuous love-life was always a question. Now, not all relationships are smooth but this one is amazing. It started when he introduced us to one of the prickliest women around. Said woman didn’t leave a good impression on us as a group but no matter...he proceeded to break up and make up with her a number of times over the course of the year. All the while saying that he needed space, a steady job, he is not ready for a serious commitment and wanting to find himself.

That he was unsure about this woman is one thing. A blind man could tell that she loved him – she clings onto him like a koala to the eucalyptus. He and I had a few heart-to-heart chats and really, this boy has no idea what was about to hit him. What he didn’t realize was how tenacious the woman was. Everyone else had a wager as to how quickly she would get him to the altar. Her speed is breathtaking.

So imagine my surprise upon my return from a fantastic holiday in Phuket when I heard that he was to be legally married. This weekend. Well knock me to the floor and kick me.

I’m a straightforward person and I immediately text him to ask if she was pregnant. Honestly, what else would make a guy literally zip to the altar? He said no...hookay. As you say, hoss. I’m shocked and amazed that he is suddenly plunging into this and in his own words ‘right timing, best person’. He also asked ‘don’t you and I want someone who loves us? She loves me a lot so that makes me really privileged.’ Sounds like bullshit to my ears. Of course I want someone to love me, but, I have to like the person somewhat too, right? Hey, if I wanted unconditional love, I’d get a dog.

What happened to I’m not ready? During the length of our sms conversation, or even during our longer chats, I realized one important thing. Never once did he mention that he even liked this woman or that she simply made him happy. He mentioned guilt at having someone love him so much, he mentioned privilege but never that he reciprocated the feelings.

What galls me is that he never told any of his close friends that he was getting married. We heard it all from 3rd party sources. Yes, so he has made his decision and no one’s going to talk him out of it but I just hope he knows what he is doing. His blasé-ness about this entire marriage worries me. Yes, so the woman is getting what she wants but he seems to neglect his own needs. Call it cynicism but give it a few years and suddenly the Married but Available syndrome will set in. I hope that I am wrong.

Now, maybe it is presumptuous of me to assume that I would get an invite to the post wedding lunch a month later but even now, I’m wondering if I should even go and how the hell am I supposed to extend my congratulations without rolling my eyes. How in the hell can I pretend to be happy for something so bizarre? Would going to the wedding and paying lip service mean that I am being a hypocrite and celebrating what I believe as a mistake? There goes the personal values vs other’s perceptions thing. Perhaps there is no right way of doing this after all, just the way that I deal with it.

What I do know is that all this is beyond my reach and I hope that he knows or is aware what else is in store for him. Making your bed and lying in it never felt so real before.

Two seems like such a cool number, where there is always another half to the one and where it seems like you will never be alone. Well for me, this year two was rather disastrous because my troubles started with two. Two failed relationships that ended with two great surprises (or rather rude shocks). Two fucking horrible months where I didn't know whether I was coming or going, too many nights where I spent lying awake and wondering where things have gone wrong and one too many times where people told me ‘I told you so’.

I am so sick of people saying “I told you so’ – yes, so they did it to drive a point home. I got it! I fucking got it!

The thing about me and relationships is that I’m always one to jump fully in things. Foolish? Perhaps, but I don’t believe in doing things half measure and I really hate playing games. Sadly, it doesn’t mean that the other party is as crazy or as stupid as me. And of course, the hurt comes in full measures too but you know what? It’s human to feel hurt, anger and happiness, the whole gamut of feelings. I simply cannot turn my feelings on and off like working a tap or a light switch. What I am learning to do is to be more cautious and wary. Not that I wasn’t in the first place but I’m much more so now.

After all that’s happened, I feel trampled. It’s like stomping out a cigarette…my heart feels just like the cigarette no, all squished and raw. I have moments where I reflect and think ‘why couldn’t’ things have worked out?’ and then there are moments when I get totally pissed off about the way things have gone. After a while, I get into a state of numbness and nothing comes through. I just don’t feel anything. Everything goes on auto pilot and I just function.

When things came to a head, I confronted the other half. I’m not one of those people who will simply walk away from things. When shit hits the fan, I will be right there asking ‘what the hell caused that?’ Confrontational? Hell yes, I don’t like being the last to find out what I giant fool I was. I don’t like not knowing and if you think you can take advantage of me and simply pretend that things didn’t happen or that things were fine, think again. The truth hurt like a bitch but at the end of the day, I’d rather walk away knowing what happened and be hurt than just walk away and live the rest of my life stewing. Coulda, shoulda woulda…that is not me.

Was I completely blameless in all that had happened? No. Admittedly I did some things which I’m not proud of. My flaws are all there and I can never say that I was innocent of my actions. No one is blameless but at the end of the day, I’m coming to terms with all that has happened. I learned that my gut feeling is always right and this time it proved to be stubbornly so, despite me hoping that I can change things. Sometimes being right does not mean winning battle, it also means walking away when you know that the battle is not worth it. It stings when such things happen and it’s a tough lesson learnt but I’m glad that it’s over.

I’m grateful to the friends that I have, who bothered to listen to me rant and cry, plus those who’ve shared lots of words or emails of wisdom. I appreciate the shared war stories and words of comfort and hugs. I apologize to the people that I’ve scared with the crying – I’m not a regular fountain and also to those that I’ve unintentionally hurt.

But above all, I’d like to extend bitter thanks to the two biggest b^!@#$%W who caused me all this misery in the first place. For making me realize that nothing you said amounted to anything, for showing me that trust and my heart should be earned and most of all, for thinking that I would never find out.

I did. Boo to you.

I’m still angry but I’m thankful to the one who actually apologized and had the balls to address his faults. There may still be hope for you yet!

I have nothing nice to say about the other one who didn’t even bother to acknowledge that there was a problem in the first place and believed that things are fine because you wanted me to believe it. What I lost was the respect for you and the belief that you were someone who could achieve great things. I now see why you feel trapped, friendless and lost most of the time. You are the victim of your own stupid mistakes and arrogance. You chose to be a spineless coward who picks the path of least resistance and by hiding behind the skirts of your family. You probably didn’t think much of what we had, well, that’s ok. One day you will meet your match and she will be hell. I hope you survive it and learn to become a better person.

For now, I’m going to take some time out to reflect on the things that happened and to take time to heal. Just live for myself and appreciate the people that I have around me.

People can never resist staring or catching a quick glimpse of themselves in the mirror. And while I do that almost all the time, it makes me wonder…do you just check out your reflection to see what you want to see or do you see what others see?

Granted, most of us just take a cursory glance to check if clothes, hair, makeup, etc is in place but sometimes, you’d take a slightly closer look, just to see what about your appearance has changed or needs to be changed; you’ve put on weight, you need a haircut or new shoes. Heck, I am guilty of this too.

What I am fascinated by is what people perceive they see. Let’s put it in context: anorexics will never see what they truly look like and the same goes for people with more serious psychological problems. But these are more major problems, what I cannot fathom is people who delude themselves for no good reason except to torture the rest of us.

Granted on some days, I feel fat and never want to hear that criticism but hearing it does help. After the initial thought of ‘you bastard!’ it jolts me and spurs me into action to do something about my weight. But some of these people…sheesh…it’s like those contestants on American Idol…some self belief is good but when you sing like a frog and claim to be the next big thing? Then cry when you get booted out? Please…

Then there is personal perception of the notion of beauty. While I’m all for natural beauty, I firmly believe that women, regardless of age should take proper care of themselves. Even the men these days doing so! Yes, so you slap on some moisturizer but how about some gloss and a little powder? As the saying goes, a little bit of good goes a long, long way. I know that putting on makeup can be stressful but no one is asking that you do a full face. Even the guys these days have some light makeup…it’s not about walking around with ICI, it’s just sprucing up just a little bit makes up for a lot flaws.

While you may snigger about being a natural beauty, I’ll be direct in saying that a very small number of women can attest to this. Even the supermodels need a little help. And me? I too submit to some makeup needs. I have to, unless I one day foolishly start believing that pandas are in fashion.

Oh and while I’m at it, there is the attire.

I know that we all love our comfy tshirts and lived in shorts or even jeans, but please, for the love of God, and everyone else, do us all a favor and dress properly. I can’t recall the number of times where women show up dressed for work or even for functions in the most ludicrous outfits. I say, there is a time and place for every outfit. That said, please also read the invitation or ask friends and co-workers. And if you really don’t know what to wear, ask a girlfriend, for they are the best resources. Fashion help all time, every time, no matter how big or small the request.

But back to the topic at hand – despite all my rants and raves, beauty is still about personal perception. We see what we choose to see. What I am imploring is that perhaps sometimes, we should pay attention to the people around us and hear what they are saying. Yes, we each have our strengths and notions but sometimes we have to take in some constructive criticism. The initial shock may be a little hard to take but believe me, you will be all the better for it.

When the nuns in The Sound of Music sang this classic song, we all listened to it and thought of various quirky people around us who reminded us of Maria. She brought about a sense of innocence and also of a girl who seemed to be in the wrong place, stuck in some dreary abbey.

Lately, the song seems to play in the background of my mind whenever I speak to a dreaded client. It’s not because they embodied Maria’s characteristics, it’s the opposite. This song to me represents all that could be but did not materialize because the clients are such frustrating people. They engaged us to help run the PR element of a large event which will finally take place this week. I can safely say this is one of the most painful projects I have ever run in all my years of being in PR and also when I was in-house, I have never come across such people.

They are stubborn, insistent, arrogant, and disrespectful – to clarify, not many clients are like this but this one takes the cake for being totally disrespectful to their consultants. What irks me the most is they do not follow-up on basic things which are the ingredients required to run a successful large event. And they refuse to listen to counsel, when they fuck things up, they just shrug and simply say, well shit happens. How can you learn from simply shrugging off problems?

Let me give you an example…they cannot even manage to secure one media centre at the event site. A media centre is used as a base where members of the media can work, get all the on-site materials and information and at times use the room to conduct small group or one-on-one interviews. Apparently, adding such an essential room where you can interact with the media and help them gather their information is far too expensive. Let’s get this straight – this is for an event that attracts c-suite movers and shakers, internationally renowned speakers and an international audience. The interview room that they have now rotates on a daily basis and materials are in a separate room – very nice.

In beginning, we went all the way to help them. Pull together materials, secure quality interviews, get foreign media and get them listings for their event. But whenever we secure something, like confirm interviews for their renowned spokespersons with leading regional publications, they manage to fuck it up somehow. And fuck in a big way too, by promising others do exclusives, declining interview requests from foreign media and just fucking up by not giving us access to said spokespeople so we can arrange for interviews or just get information from them to do pitch angles. Yes, you should be on top of all your interviews but you should never renege on a confirmation.

I don’t mind going all the way for clients if they play ball or at least meet us halfway so that the result means more quality coverage and a big win all around. However, despite counseling and even when the big bosses step in, nothing happens. In fact, things either get worse, they completely fail and then they do something that I completely detest. Call my more sympathetic colleague to lament on the sad state of their lives. Oh please! Grow up; stop fucking up and your lives won’t be that bad.

Anyways this week is the event. Wish us luck, we need all we acn get. My colleagues and I have seen the materials they prepared and w are prepared for the absolute worst. This will be a nightmare. I kid you not. And thank God, you are not in my grumpy shoes.

Lately, the government’s call for more babies and promoting family life just pisses me off. I was looking through the 2008 Marriage & Parenthood Package and it just sets me off. Why? Because, while the government is getting all magnanimous with handing out the cash packages and bonuses for babies, they seem to be neglecting a sub-section of the women; the single mothers.

So we’re Asian, so what? Can’t Asian or Singaporean women choose to be single mothers too? And why are single mothers not entitled to the same benefits as the married ones? Single mothers’ experience the same things are married mothers, right? Or is there something here I don’t understand? My question is…why does the government choose to overlook single mothers? It can’t just be because of the conservative nature of the society that we live in. That’s too simplistic. Or is it?

Admittedly, not every woman desires or aspires toward motherhood but what if it is an accidental baby? Then would the single mother be forced to abort simply because the government frowns upon babies born out of wedlock? Or give her baby up to a married couple who would then be entitled to the bonus? What nonsense if that? Then I’d ask what if the said woman simply does not want a husband but was fully capable of raising a child on her own?

Adult women today are far more capable of raising a family and taking care of their careers than their counterparts from years before. It made me wonder: in trying to do the right thing, why can’t the government be humane as well? Why can’t we prevent cruel abortions and help these single mothers out instead? Understandably, the single mother may choose not to take up the incentive. That’s her prerogative. Would this increase irresponsible promiscuous behavior? I doubt so…because if you really do not want to undertake parenthood, you’d do everything in your power to prevent it.

At the end of the day, no matter how much incentives are handed out or dangled in front of us, getting married and having babies is a personal choice. I don’t see why as a single woman, I have to shackle myself to some guy if all I wanted was a child. I am completely capable of raising a child and working. Now why won’t the government support me? The child that I birth will go towards increasing the birth rate, right? What about the couples who marry but do not want to have children? Why can’t they be left alone without seeing all the nauseous family posters and shit around?

Sometimes, I wonder what goes on in the head of policy-makers…do they simply propose incentives to make themselves look good or is it really for the benefit of others?

I’d rather the government supported everyone who wanted to have a child instead of just saying only married couples are entitled to have children. What happened to giving people more options and choices and letting them decide for themselves?

Was listening to the radio this weekend when the above Dixie Chicks song came on.

The lyrics reflect the situation I'm in at the moment and the chorus, in particular encapsulates it nicely.

“I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should”

At the risk of being overly cryptic, there is a reason for everything. However, I do not wish to address this issue at the moment because the situation pisses me off big time, and, the more I hear about this person or from them, the more pissed off I am.

I do not wish to entertain any phone calls or listen to any excuses or read any emails. Not today, not tomorrow - I will only do so when I am ready.

So, to assuage that massive ego of yours; yes, you actually did do something wrong. Do I hear a 'Yea, finally!'? Do you feel vindicated now? Do you even realize that the world in general, does not revolve around you?

For goodness sake, go sit down, and think long and hard about everything. But please, whatever you do, don’t throw religion into the mix, don’t get notions of grandeur and don’t try to buy sympathy by getting other parties involved because it is none of their business.

Oh wait - actually, if you are on a suicide mission, or don’t understand what I am saying, you are welcome to go ahead and disregard everything, and just challenge me.

For now, I’m going on holiday.

These days, the air doesn’t feel quite right to me. Yea, so the environment as a whole kinda sucks but what I’m talking about is things around me do not feel quite right.

It’s the whole feeling of uncertainty that I’m not too fond of and overall, it’s unsettling. On a personal level, I’ve experienced a number of changes that has made me look at the different situations and the people around me with fresh eyes.

It’s very surreal to discover unsettling things about friends that you’ve hung out for the past couple of years. And just like in some instances from my past, this just adds to the fact that sometimes, you cannot trust people. My scepticism is borne out of experience, where I used to take people for who they are; now I feel that I have to gauge them first, before putting some form of trust in them. This is why I have very few close friends.

On a lighter note, I’ve been hanging out with different groups of people these days and I must say that this one of the best things. I enjoy the diversity and the different opinions and conversations that swirl around the table. Maybe I’ve become more comfortable with new people but it’s great to find out new things about people who could possibly be good friends someday.

Dance has been good. It’s a little stressful to start working with a new team but on the upside, I am learning the proper things. I’m training myself to be more relaxed on the dance floor, be a better follow, my messy footwork is being corrected and I am improving my isolations and body movements which will strengthen my dancing.

While it feels a little strange to be dancing with the new team, it also feels a little more synchronized and inclusive. Everyone learns from each other and is not afraid to make mistakes. Sure, we get yelled at but at the end of the day, we are not punished like little children and we take away new things to improve on. The good thing is that I am starting to feel like a part of a team again. Previously, it was kind of like that but it felt more like we were comrades from being tortured than if we were learning anything.

Work is crazy. To be able to tell people that you know what exhaustion is like and have to be laid out in bed for two days to recover is no achievement. Unfortunately, I can say that now.

At the end of this long post, I’m still undecided about things, whether it is work or friends or what to do with myself next, but one thing’s certain. I’ve be doing everything with a dash of caution.

New year, new rant...

Sometimes people are just plain weird...I don't know what the hell they are thinking but it's certainly an annoying trait. I was having dinner with a friend sometime back when this came up:

Me: So, how did you do for your exams?
Friend: Aiyah, not so good...
Me: Really? So what grades did you get?
Friend: It's bad...I got all Bs this term
Me: ...

Firstly, doing badly in my book means barely passing your exams. Yes, I know we live in a highly competitive society but seriously, a B is bad?

If you thought that was bad, let me cite you another example of another friend who lamented of his lack of savings and when probed, he said...I don't have much money...just about S$60,000.

Speechless. This was followed by a huge urge to just smack the shit outta him.

In telling the truth, I know that sometimes sugar-coating it often helps soften the blow but false modesty like the above two cases just grates. Thinking back, many people, especially Singaporeans do this incessantly. Who doesn't like to boast about their achievements, right? But when someone is really seeking sympathy, that is an abhorrent way to behave. It's condescending, people and we should stop doing it.

Why? Simply because plebians and sad souls like me need a listening ear, a hug and even empathy sometimes. And yes, we're selfish too because we'd love to have the chance to bitch and moan about how dreary our lives are - without hearing how wonderful yours is.

So, the next time you have the list your achievements to someone, just be frank - warn the poor soul that you are unburdening to and let them have a decent head start, to run away from you.