Today, for the first time in many years, I woke up on Hari Raya feeling...absolutely nothing.

When I was a child, I'd wake up feeling excited. After a month of fasting, it's exciting to wake up and anticipate a day filled with family, food and festivities. The smell of the food, festive cakes and goodies always get me going. In my adolescence, this feeling of excitement turned into dread when the aunts and uncles on my dad's side would start to quarrel and fight amongst themselves over petty issues and even such simple things as seeking forgiveness for their sins of the past with each other.

Starting anew never really mattered with these people. It's always about whose kid was better, who had more status or who appeared to be more filial to their mother. "Forgive and forget' was more like lip service than anything in that household.  I believe in something else entirely. Because of these incidents, I started to dread Hari Raya. I didn't want to go out, I'd hibernate at home and just stay away from the family.

After breaking away from that family. I believe that you cannot forgive anything by just saying it. You have to believe it. And if you cannot forgive, for any reason, whatever it may be, it's time to walk away. Close that door and perhaps never see these people or speak about those incidents again.

Painful? Definitely. Walking away doesn't diminish the pain. You still feel every stab of it. You cry, spend sleepless nights thinking about every little detail and ask why and who and how...Painful as they are, closing the door on some of the things and the people that hurt me the most have helped me preserve my sanity. Cold? No. It  kept me going and keeps bitterness at bay. Over time, the unhappiness goes too. I can talk about some of these incidents but I do not dwell on them. Will I ever forgive some of these people? Maybe, but until I can forgive them wholeheartedly, I have no plans to let them back into my life. Forget? Ha. It'll be stupid to forget the things that happened. I remember everything and hope not to re-make those mistakes.

In less than 12 months, we've lost one beloved grandmother and two very close grandaunts in the family. While life continues its vicious cycle, I cannot help but feel a little numb. Maybe it's just me but I am sad that I will not be able to see or speak with Mama Koh again, no matter how cranky she is.

I just realized that there is no one to visit with at festivals, no one to nag me to get to church, no one to tell me that all men are evil (especially my father) and no one to snark with at gatherings anymore. And this realization...is heartbreaking.

A cantankerous old lady. she was 92 and the eldest of 10 sisters from a branch of the Cheok family tree. And one who ruled pretty much with an iron fist.The thing that we all remember most fondly about Mama Koh was the way she used to glare at us kids. She was one lady who could cow even the hardest hearted, all without uttering a sound. Crying babies and boisterous children always fell mute when Mama Beliak (Glaring Grandma) set her eyes on you.

Her outspokenness and sass was the one trait that we shared and that allowed us to talk freely about a number of things. She was the one person who talked me through some of the difficult times and although she didn't agree with some of my decisions, she gave me the space to sort them out. Well, she'd also nag me to death but as long as my ears didn't fall off, right?

Unlike most people who cannot get along or like their families, mine always had a sense of togetherness. Whether is the language or the culture or the wicked sense of humor, every single family member possessed her own special charm that made interacting with them special.

Mama Koh's passing over the weekend signals a major change.The sense of family and kinship which is so strong with the grandaunts around seems to be fading away with each of their passing. And although a good majority of us learnt the language, the cooking and are continuing the family traditions, it somehow feels different. Of course, we are very grateful that our parents and the rest of the family are still here to maintain status quo but the feeling that something is missing heightens, especially around the festivals. For who do you turn to to learn more about the vast family tree? Or a certain aspect of the culture?

It's the changing of the guard, I suppose that comes ever so once in a while. The family tree is not something for the faint-hearted. Alina tried her hand to draw just our branch and she ran out of paper, well paper plates. It seems that at every gathering and now even funerals that we encounter an aunt, uncle or cousin who has not seen us since we were knee high. It's challenging to remember so many people, especially since you see them only once a year.

But why so challenging, right? Here's the deal in a nutshell: Great grandpa married four wives who in turn had children. And since these were times that long surpassed us, each wife had A LOT of children. Imagine this, my branch of the family had 10 sisters...10. Explaining just this branch could take years because even I have not met every single one of them. Imagine doing the whole tree...good grief. But I digress...

I'm just feeling maudlin with so many of my grandaunts gone and no matter how much you prepare, deaths in the family are always a kick in the heart. Despite this, I feel that in sadness, you find the strength to appreciate those around you and love them more, no matter their faults. So here's to the changing of the guard, hopefully we know enough to maintain that family tree and are as memorable as those who have gone on to a better place.

Rollercoaster, exhausting, whirlwind: three words I’d use to describe 2008. If you’ve been reading this blog, I am finally catching a breather by being on a well-deserved holiday now.

Work is mostly crazy and exhausting, especially in the latter half of the year. While madness prevailed at the beginning and middle of these projects, I did feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment by the time they concluded. A few of the projects were really interesting because of the new challenges they presented and the interesting people that I’ve come into contact with, while one project in particular one stuck out for being too ridiculous in the obstacles which kept being thrown at us. You know which one this is.

Where work is concerned, I’ve got a stronger perspective and I’m on surer footing of where I am headed. I just hope that people won’t overwork me as madly as they did this year. That above all was the most unrewarding part of the work; to be on endless projects without a breather or even a proper brief.

This year was also the year of the firsts. While I can’t mention all of them here, there are the highlights where I

• Explored the underground tunnels and war memorials of bloody hot Darwin under the watchful eye of the police
• Learned how to make spaghetti carbonara from scratch and appreciate jazz in a whole new light
• Had lots and lots of delicious martinis at Morton’s with many adventuresome friends
• Got me eyeballs sliced for vanity’s sake (yes, I am woman, hence vanity is mandated)
• Performed at a packed-out venues with many Ah Pek gatals (old pervs)
  
• Turned up at work as a clone
• Fell in love all over again with…my nieces from afar. As to whether I’ve have fallen in love, well, we’ll see….

This post is dedicated to the acquaintances who gradually became close friends that have shared a few exhilarating adventures and opened their lives to me. You guys made my life richer and that much more interesting for just being there.

Then there are the close friends who have moved away but it still feels as though they have never left. Despite being a continent away, they’re always clued into the best gossip. Dammit, macham wire service! Along the way I’ve turned away from people who have been less of a friend than someone I never really knew in the first place.

And then there are the loved ones who I had to say goodbye to. It’s inevitable but there have been one too many funerals in the family. I, for one will deeply miss you, mama.

On a personal reflection, I’ve learnt to let go somewhat and go with the flow. I guess this my way of managing my own expectations. Little by little, I’m better at recognizing that not everyone is as opinionated as I nor do they adhere to the same standards as me. Easier said than done and I’m still grappling with some of these expectations. Ah well…baby steps, right?

As for that New Year’s resolution? I’m definitely as keen as the next person to see what is in store for me. And yes, I do have some wishes and hopes for 2009 but these have to be kept in the heart, for only then would it come true :o)

Since I returned from Darwin, I’ve attended two funerals. One was my grandma and last night, I attended the wake of her sister (my grandaunt). It caught everyone by surprise that our grandaunt passed on so suddenly, for she was neither sick nor ailing.

It’s an emotionally battering period for everyone in the family when the matriarchs are slowly making their exits. My grandma and her sisters have held the family together for decades. Now there are so few of them left. These are the women who raised us, and taught us everything they knew.

And they were very talented too. Grandma and her sisters could make anything with their hands; from sewing the traditional kasut manek manek (beaded slippers), to cooking every single Peranakan dish, fashioning inventive desserts and birthday cakes, making clothes for the girls and just creating handicrafts out of household items. Come to think of it, they were the original Martha Stewart before she brought home-style living to popular culture today.

While almost all my aunts have inherited or learnt the crafts from our grandmothers, it’s sad that not many in my generation have done so. I’m probably one of the very few in the family who can still understand and converse in Peranakan and even whip up some of the dishes, while most of my cousins can’t.

While at the wake last night, my aunts came up to me to commend me on the eulogy that I delivered at Grandma’s funeral: “You sounded exactly like her, when you said that,” they commented. Ah, the anecdotes that I can tell from being raised by my grandparents! When such loving, yet strong-willed people raise you, it’s a wonder that you don’t start sounding or even behaving a little like them after some time.

From death my thoughts shifted to love. My old friend, Mr Mogel finally sent me a picture of his adorable kids. I’m not much of a fan of kids but the picture absolutely melted my heart, I’d post them online but I don’t know how comfortable he is about that, so I’ll refrain.

For a bittersweet moment, it made me long for things that I’ve much thought to lately and actually feel things that I’ve kept inside for so long.

The vacation in Darwin was fantastic :o) While I honestly wouldn’t recommend Darwin as a choice holiday destination for any keen travelers, I had a wonderful time with my friends.

Who knew traveling with new friends could be such fun? Add that to the serious lack of attractions, shopping and even nightlife and I’d say that we actually managed quite well despite the challenges. The one hilarious thing was that the fly boys were in town and it was a real treat to stumble on the rather impromptu air show and of course, lots of men in uniform. J, my lost friend, I wish you were there with me at that moment…cos you would’ve gone nuts.

The one terribly sad thing about the holiday was the passing of my maternal grandma. She was 89 and certainly lived very full life. The good thing is that she passed peacefully. My maternal grandparents were the ones who raised my sister and I as well as two of my younger cousins and we were all very close.

It was quite a shock to receive a call in Darwin informing me that grandma was ailing and later, when the doctor came, she seemed to be responding to the medicine. I certainly wasn’t expecting to receive a call saying that she passed on later in the night. The family understood enough to know that another cousin and I were away so they didn’t ask us to return. I was lucky…I made it back in time for the funeral.

Funerals in the family are sad, if slightly weird affairs because laughter is mixed within the sadness. It’s a coping measure that helps us all pull through, so there were almost as much tears as there was laughter when the entire family came to pay respects.

While writing the eulogy, we debated on whether we could swear at the service. Yes, oddly enough, one of grandma’s pet phrases while we were growing up was this particular one. And everyone knew it ;o) At the end of the day, I managed to deliver the eulogy without swearing and with a mix of Peranakan and English.

The entire experience; holiday and funeral was pretty overwhelming for me. On one hand, I had such a great time and on the other, someone very dear to me has passed on. The feelings just upped and overwhelmed me at the worst time and it was a terrible time to cope. Right up until I met my cousin. The tears stopped, the smile came on and I just snapped back into business.

There was just too much to do, family to attend to, my brother had to be deferring from doing his national service for two days because of the funeral and people to frown at and scold for being a pain in the ass, etc…

Five days past the funeral and everything is almost back to normal. We’re all on the mend. I guess we all have to slowly pick ourselves up and move on. The great thing is that we have each other. It’s always heartening to have family for support and love.

Doing it for ourselves!

So guys, stop thinking that all that makeup, tight little clothes, the gorgeous hair and all the work that goes into this is for you. Ok, a little bit of it is for you, but the majority of the work is for us – and for us to impress other girls.

Eve-of-the-eve of the wedding, a whole bunch of us girls were doing the manicure/pedicure routine. Honestly, I’m not much of a fan of getting pedicures due to (what I dub) a traumatic experience in Thailand…however, it didn’t stop me from going through the routine with my usual bravado – if bravado means looking like I was going to be tortured, boiled and fried…then that’sexactly what I looked like throughout…

Thankfully, my manicurist was kind enough to make it a more enjoyable experience and I managed to look less like I was going to die. The good news is I happily got some nail art done for the first time. Yay! Pictures will be posted in Flickr soon for, in all my excitement, I forgot to bring my camera cable home. Well done, me...

Today, makes it only one more day to the wedding.

Congratulations Alicia (you've made it through all the hassle and the family drama!) and to Ah How, welcome to the family – if you thought that our family was strange, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Good luck and lots of love!