Heartbreak warfare

Two seems like such a cool number, where there is always another half to the one and where it seems like you will never be alone. Well for me, this year two was rather disastrous because my troubles started with two. Two failed relationships that ended with two great surprises (or rather rude shocks). Two fucking horrible months where I didn't know whether I was coming or going, too many nights where I spent lying awake and wondering where things have gone wrong and one too many times where people told me ‘I told you so’.

I am so sick of people saying “I told you so’ – yes, so they did it to drive a point home. I got it! I fucking got it!

The thing about me and relationships is that I’m always one to jump fully in things. Foolish? Perhaps, but I don’t believe in doing things half measure and I really hate playing games. Sadly, it doesn’t mean that the other party is as crazy or as stupid as me. And of course, the hurt comes in full measures too but you know what? It’s human to feel hurt, anger and happiness, the whole gamut of feelings. I simply cannot turn my feelings on and off like working a tap or a light switch. What I am learning to do is to be more cautious and wary. Not that I wasn’t in the first place but I’m much more so now.

After all that’s happened, I feel trampled. It’s like stomping out a cigarette…my heart feels just like the cigarette no, all squished and raw. I have moments where I reflect and think ‘why couldn’t’ things have worked out?’ and then there are moments when I get totally pissed off about the way things have gone. After a while, I get into a state of numbness and nothing comes through. I just don’t feel anything. Everything goes on auto pilot and I just function.

When things came to a head, I confronted the other half. I’m not one of those people who will simply walk away from things. When shit hits the fan, I will be right there asking ‘what the hell caused that?’ Confrontational? Hell yes, I don’t like being the last to find out what I giant fool I was. I don’t like not knowing and if you think you can take advantage of me and simply pretend that things didn’t happen or that things were fine, think again. The truth hurt like a bitch but at the end of the day, I’d rather walk away knowing what happened and be hurt than just walk away and live the rest of my life stewing. Coulda, shoulda woulda…that is not me.

Was I completely blameless in all that had happened? No. Admittedly I did some things which I’m not proud of. My flaws are all there and I can never say that I was innocent of my actions. No one is blameless but at the end of the day, I’m coming to terms with all that has happened. I learned that my gut feeling is always right and this time it proved to be stubbornly so, despite me hoping that I can change things. Sometimes being right does not mean winning battle, it also means walking away when you know that the battle is not worth it. It stings when such things happen and it’s a tough lesson learnt but I’m glad that it’s over.

I’m grateful to the friends that I have, who bothered to listen to me rant and cry, plus those who’ve shared lots of words or emails of wisdom. I appreciate the shared war stories and words of comfort and hugs. I apologize to the people that I’ve scared with the crying – I’m not a regular fountain and also to those that I’ve unintentionally hurt.

But above all, I’d like to extend bitter thanks to the two biggest b!@#$%W who caused me all this misery in the first place. For making me realize that nothing you said amounted to anything, for showing me that trust and my heart should be earned and most of all, for thinking that I would never find out.

I did. Boo to you.

I’m still angry but I’m thankful to the one who actually apologized and had the balls to address his faults. There may still be hope for you yet!

I have nothing nice to say about the other one who didn’t even bother to acknowledge that there was a problem in the first place and believed that things are fine because you wanted me to believe it. What I lost was the respect for you and the belief that you were someone who could achieve great things. I now see why you feel trapped, friendless and lost most of the time. You are the victim of your own stupid mistakes and arrogance. You chose to be a spineless coward who picks the path of least resistance and by hiding behind the skirts of your family. You probably didn’t think much of what we had, well, that’s ok. One day you will meet your match and she will be hell. I hope you survive it and learn to become a better person.

For now, I’m going to take some time out to reflect on the things that happened and to take time to heal. Just live for myself and appreciate the people that I have around me.

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Ever prodded a sleeping dragon, only to have it whip up and bite you in the ass? Well, neither have I. But I advocate that you should try everything...once ;P
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