Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

When did we become so chickenshit?

Time for a little rant...

I’ve been listening to friends' dating stories lately and have observed how far people have regressed in terms of connecting with one another. At the heart of it all, we all want to connect with that special someone, to love and be loved.

But, how can we do it today?

The prevalence of dating apps, websites, social media and online articles makes the greedy greedier, feeds shallowness and worse of all, breeds irrational fear. So what are we afraid of?

Apparently, we are afraid of ourselves and of being vulnerable.  

We are self-obsessed and can’t seem to stop taking selfies. We obsess over our weight, or how we want our partner to look like or how popular we are or whether we can maintain some sort of cover lifestyle that is the envy of many. Even dating has become a chore. People have become so afraid of phrases like “dating”. They they need to distance themselves with words like “meeting”, “having coffee” or “hooking up” to the point that it trivializes the whole experience. 

I may be generalizing or drawing too much form my own experiences, but a whole bunch of people seem to thrive on the gratification in a casual or ‘open’ relationship as opposed to dating seriously. They then contradict themselves or confuse the issue by claiming that they still want to find their special someone, indicating that whomever they are with right now is a convenient option. The fear of commitment, of even showing up for a simple coffee, has become so irrational that it is ridiculous.

Call me traditional but when was the last time you made an authentic connection? Whether it is a friend or a random person you meet, I’m talking about a connection where you can share personal stories and actually talk to each other? When was the friendship more important than the need for another notch on the bedpost? Relationships have to evolve from some point, isn't it, there is no magic formula for happy-ever-after.

It makes me wonder if social media has stymied our need as people to make an authentic connection. Or has it instead made us more direct and selfish in our needs? Are we so fearful of things that we over analyze everything and end up alone because even taking that little small step out of our comfort zone is waaaayy too much work? 

There are no proper responses to these questions, I’m afraid. Just experiences we each go through. All I can ask or hope for is that people change the way they think. Instead of being so self-obsessed, how about focusing on what you bring to the table? How about going out and living a life, instead of showing how perfect your life is? Be authentic, be real! The experience, is worth way more than the Facebook likes, trust me.

 And one more thing, vulnerability is not weakness... here's what I learned this week



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Simplicity, it's not that complicated

A wise man once said, “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Why, I cannot agree more, Confucius.

As we journey along our lives, I increasingly feel that we place too much importance on the material, the shallow; how much status we have, how big our egos are and what people think about us. How utterly tiring and mundane! What happened to just living life simply, to being honest to ourselves about what we want and how we want to live our lives?

It is so easy to fall into the trappings of society’s demands that we lose sight of what we truly want and how to pursue it. We cleave to the rules set out by strangers who feel that achieving all we can is limiting or that if you achieve too much or even deign to celebrate your achievements it stands to make others jealous or insecure. There is so much red tape, expectations and ground rules… What. The. Hell?

We forget the simple things; that we need to connect with people recharge us emotionally. We lose sight of the things that truly make us happy in order to pursue yet another material gain or obsession. Learning or facing challenges are not things to hide from but to embrace in order to grow, spiritually, emotionally and physically. We need to remember that being happy is not something you achieve alone. It is something that also reaches out to touch others, making us feel alive, loved and also appreciated.

Do you remember what it’s like to spend time with people who listen, hold and talk to you without judgment? Or to sit at your favorite coffee shop to sip that fresh brew while you catch up on the news or even chat with other patrons?

When I was home recently, it was refreshing to let go of all societal nonsense just to be with my friends and family. The mask that I put on for people who hardly know, yet judge me was chucked aside. I am free again, I can feel again and most importantly I am me.  Holding up that mask is strenuous! My question to you is, when do you fling that aside so that you can just breathe?

In experiencing this, I’ve decided to look at things slightly differently. I will focus on things that make me happy… whether it is just telling someone I love them or just talking to the people who matter the most, it is the authenticity of the experience that makes me feel alive. I will not hide from who I am but will approach life with the vivacity that I would like to achieve. I believe that you find yourself when you embrace things at a more simple level. When you cut out the complications, you can truly live. Andddd…. If all that fails, just pick up a mike and karaoke LOL :)

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A dedication in memorium

Dear Ah Kong, 

Talk about time flying by! It has been 20 years since your passing. Did you know that even Michael Jackson suddenly died? Hopefully, you bumped into him up there and said Hi. Hehe…

Things have been moving here. I finally got the perm on (ok, ok, you can tell Mama that she is right, I don’t look like a mad old lady). Everyone has grown up and is doing well. Did you know that Mei grew up to look like an abandoned ang moh? She made the biggest transition from that cute little girl posing with the flower arrangements to a successful restaurant manager. Mum found her inner garang-ness and Rasheed is finally growing up. Kita suma sudah tua, but you will be damned proud!

I’m sorry that I haven’t been to the niche the last time I went home. It is weird how time just flies and it feels like you have so much to accomplish so much in such a short time. Macham a mad rush! At least this time I didn’t climb the fence at Mt Vernon. I bet you the cemetery hantus would have remembered me for that! But I just wanted to say that I didn't forget.

How can you forget the person who helped you grow? Who looked after you and talked to you like an adult even as you were growing up? Who showed you that fun can be had at any time? You and Mama had a funny relationship of friendship, arguments and some comedic spats but you stuck it out. You taught me that family matters and that you should give people the chance to make mistakes. Sure, you spoil me when I was a kid (remember all these poor filet o-fish? LOL) but you also gave me the room to just be myself. It is that sense of self and also of responsibility to family that has guided me through all these years.

I realized after all this while that I inherited this sense of mischief and derring-do because of you. Did you know that I picked up dancing after all this time? You were right about stepping out. Sometimes you need to do something scary in order to make a change in your life. I also made the huge decision to finally move out and move away to take a job out of Singapore. The decisions were and still sometimes are scary, but you know, I think I can do this.

Although many years have passed, sometimes I feel that you are still here. When I feel that things are way beyond me, when people or circumstances make me mad or even when there are really happy times, I think about you and all the great times we had (that includes that mad puddle skipping expedition). All these memories and lessons, it grounds me.  I still really miss you and this dedication has been a long time coming. But you know, I just wanted to pop in to just say that things are going fine and that I hope to share more happy news with you soon.

Just me,
Ah Girl

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How about being struck by lightning again?

And so, it’s back to being singleton again. For some reason, this time it doesn’t feel as bad. I went from being very upset to really angry and then…nothing.
 
On the other hand, the eventual apathy is nothing new. Even when coupled up, he was always busy or too busy or travelling and I continued with my dancing, work and friends. The thing that really stuck in my craw in the end was: If he can stay things that are true to himself, then why can’t I say mine and get an acknowledgement or a decent argument out of it? So much for communication... pfft. More like two idiots just blabbering with no one listening.  The thing that probably galled him was that I didn’t just want to sit around wondering, I dumped him. That is me, being true to myself.  

Through my rather checkered dating history I’ve learnt a few important things: 
  • If you don’t stand up for what you believe in, no one else will do it for you. It’s not about being selfish and only wanting your end of things but making a point. Then hopefully coming to some sort of compromise that both parties can live with

  • If things are worth fighting for then do it. If there is no fight or you just grunt and give in. It doesn’t mean that things are ok. It just means that you end up resenting each other over time

  • Things are your fault too. A part of what happened is my fault. I let things carry on, I talked things over with him with the hope that I would get through. In the end, I learned that he is holding on to an idea or rather ideal that neither me, nor anyone else can crack.
Through it all, I feel like I came out with the knowledge and strength that I can do better. I deserve better. The strong part of the relationship taught me a lot about myself and who I am. What I can accept and what I can’t. Now that I have these values, it’s not something that is simply discarded but to be worked into part of my psyche.  

From top left, clockwise: the great goulash experiment, paragliding, check out the sandstorm, ayam masak merah and some party animals
These couple of weeks has been pretty darned good, actually. There’s been experimental cooking, the unavoidable cleaning, liver pickling, constantly improving the salsa dancing, making new friends, the great paragliding attempt (I made it off the ground for a soft launch!), mad karaoke singing and learning new things about my colleagues and friends here. Broadband at home paved the way for virtual tours of my house to close friends and family as well as new, addictive TV series’ J Oh and did I mention a sandstorm and tremors that I and everyone in Dubai survived?  

I guess I’m staying on this path for a while longer, it's a happy path :) oh and can someone get me this for my house, please?
 
 

 

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Baggage that didn't go with mine

Almost two months after my birthday and about a week after his, things are over. Why? Is it the distance?

No. We talk every day. Things are almost normal except that I am in Dubai and he is in Singapore. We still have discussions about how the kids are, does my place have more than just the bed or whether he will be taking that job in China or making plans to see each other again. Normal? Not quite.
Complexity and then some

How would you feel if your other half, who has said that things should continue, turn to you and say: “Go out and have fun! So, have you gotten laid yet? You should!” I may be liberal in a lot of things but when it comes to my own partner telling me that he wants to go out and bang some chick or that I should be getting some – why, do you plan to be a nun in Dubai? That hurt – it tells me that he doesn’t want this. We’re nowhere near settling down yet and this crops up like a dark little devil. It tells me that I do not want this. Coming from a background where my dad was constantly cheating on my mum, it is a painful reminder to me that if your partner strays or wants to stray then, you are better off without them.

Growing up, I remembered watching my mother cry, us kids getting packed up in the middle of the night and running to a relative’s place so my parents can ‘talk’. I remember the nightly screams, the fights and the awful, awful silence when things have simply gone beyond the point of return. I was 14 when I told my mum, enough is enough. Why are you putting up with this nonsense? You are much better than this. We are old enough to handle it.

Fast forward about 20 years. Here’s the man who checked a lot of the boxes that I am looking for. With the exception that he is a crazy workaholic, who works like a dog to support a family that hardly bothers. Oh and, he believes that we should always fulfill our pleasures. He says that when we are together, we’re together and when we’re not, we should individually take our pleasures as and when we need them, even if we are married. He considers what we have an open relationship; a very open one. Seriously?! Is the modern relationship only earmarked for hedonistic pleasure? Are we still living in the age of Caligula? Or in Magic Mike? Are we so driven by sex that there is simply no room for connection or emotion of any sort?

I took in what he said and attempted to digest it. Ha, I am a modern woman after all but then again, I am not modern enough to want to share my love. Or my man. Even though we share a lot of common interests and ground, I cannot be with someone that I cannot trust. I don’t want to live each day, waiting for the moment where he will confess who he banged.  Waiting for that day…just waiting, just kills me. No, I am NOT fine with that. But a relationship, like everything else is 50/50, right? Nothing is concrete. Yet to me, if you are committed to someone, you remain so, physically and emotionally. We are not animals. This is also not a competition where one of us tries to one up the other with conquests. If you want to fool around, please go ahead – just don’t come home to me and expect things to be all shiny happy.
 
To be honest, the thought of starting anything at this point in time, feels a bit revolting. Looking around me, I see a lot of people who are determined to restart their lives. By seeking pleasure anywhere they can. But is that really enough? It seems like pleasure is the one great thing that a lot of people seek when their own lives and relationships have gone to shit. I’ve been down that path before. Pleasure is a passing phase and once that is over, you lapse back into such emptiness or just like an addict, you attempt to seek it out, again and again, believing that for one moment, you are alive.

I just wished that I was strong enough to end things when I moved. But I bought into the hope and the assurance that things could work out. I’m paying for that now. Maybe I should have nagged you more or made life harder for you. Would you prefer that? Maybe you need another weight around your already burdened shoulders, another responsibility to be guilted about? But I have you the freedom to do as you please, I didn't make any fuss about the long working hours, the trips or the endless schedules. I didn't judge when the bad things happened. I worried about the operations. I worked around it and I was there for you. And yet, you needed more... more what? That is the part I totally don't get.
 
There’s no misunderstanding. It was just false hope, where there was none to be had in the first place. Who knows, maybe we’ll be friends. But at this juncture, I’d take the freedom to be myself and just live.
  

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With stars in their eyes


When it comes to relationships, how much are you willing to risk?

I've been having several conversations with different people about this and it is logical that most people are risk adverse when it comes to relationships. The men are of the opinion that you should always date within your area, as in country, neighborhood, etc. The closer she is, the easier it is to get to know the woman. They won't consider long-distance unless they are really interested. 

The women on the other hand, are more optimistic or even idealistic. They think that they can change things if they showed up or make the effort. Most I spoke with are willing to travel to meet a guy they are interested in. Some commute, changed jobs and even installed themselves in a foreign country. For the ladies and the men who did all that and are now with the person that they love. Kudos. The pursuit of love is never easy and I'm glad that both of you worked things out and are still at it.

I am always the idealistic one. I believe that if I work at it, things will happen. After all, isn't that what love is about? If I show the guy how things can be, what I am like, won't he just want to fall in with my plan?

NO. 

It's been a tough life lesson to learn. My heart has been broken a few times because of my idealism. Throughout all the pain and the tears, I learnt that just the willingness to work things out on my part is not enough. The other half has to want it too. In fact, the other half has to want to meet you halfway. One party making all the plans and taking the risk is insufficient in making a relationship work. 

This mindset shift of mine didn't occur overnight. It took really hard knocks, talking to-s and soul searching to come to this point. While my heart is still there, I am less idealistic. I've rubbed off some of the stars in my eyes to see what I truly want. There will be no game-playing, I want my other half to be able to prove that I am not alone in this. He has to step up too. But this is me, proceeding with caution but still with an open heart.

Ultimately, I will still encourage my friends to pursue the person they want. But that doesn't mean that I will be blindly supportive. I will still ask the tough questions and raise the concerns. I will also listen and offer advice. The final decision will always be theirs. After all, if I can't do that or if they can't accept or choose to ponder the points, then what's the point? Taking the risk also means having people around you, open your  eyes to the pitfalls that may come. 

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Observations of chickenshit behaviour

Apparently when it comes to relationships these days, everyone's a wimp.

A couple of months ago, I learned that it's not kosher to like the person that you're with. So so so, it's ok to screw around with 'em but you cannot like them. Once you do, someone dies...or will. Like woa, y'all.

Why do we have to be so freaking scared? Is it a crime to like the person we're with? Or has the media and our continually warped society conditioned us to nitpick everything about our partners so that we're never happy or we can never be sure of them? Why live in paranoia?

Case in point: I was going through a tough time in my previous relationship. The ex's ex has thrown a spanner in the works and it was giving me sleepless nights that they were meeting and talking. He gave no reassurances and I was a mess, attempting to remain calm while the man I liked was thinking about another.

When I confided this to a guy friend, he simply said: why did you go and like this man? The genius goes on to clarify: sleeping with him is ok, but liking him is out of the question. Did he say he likes you?

What did I just transcend into another dimension? Am I being punk'd? Am I still stuck in secondary school?  

When I stopped gaping, I thought:  Wait...why am I still friends with you again? Why are you so scared? According to the genius. its about protecting your heart but letting your d!@# hang free. WTF.  It's no wonder that he gets into all sorts of scraps with a variety of creatures and is unable to hold on to the woman he really likes.

It is also this type of warped thinking by men and women that makes people doubt themselves to the extent that everyone lives in fear. No one wants to commit, even saying 'I like you' is tantamount to a declaration of grand love. People are crippled by an inability to even express affection, but they don't have trouble fucking around or playing with others' feelings. What the hell is going on?  

Just because a man/woman is scared, indecisive and doubtful doesn't mean that you have to be too. To be honest, I'm not as brave as I sound - I've been hurt many times too. But at the same time, I won't let self doubt cramp my style. Naive? No...I'd rather be upfront about my intentions so that there is no mistaking what I want. Games are for kids.

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It's about being true to yourself



I've been a bit of a bear with regards to relationships and their quirky little issues these past couple of posts. It's hard to be a fount of  patience when you see people scrambling around madly. Especially if they are a good friend who is being dangled. Yes, relationships all turn us a wee bit nutty but do you have to let it drive you completely insane? 

No, dammit, NO! 

In the pursuit of a relationship, we shouldn't forsake who and what we are just so that we can be pursued or just so that we can pursue someone. It's something that a lot of people keep forgetting. We keep asking our other halves or the people we are dating: what do you want out of this relationship? When in actual fact, we should be reflecting upon ourselves and asking what do WE want? 

If we are constantly trying to make someone happy, then what of ourselves or our own needs? I say, if you can't be yourself with the other person, reconsider. The real you deserves as much love and attention as your other half.

I say we have to wake up to our own needs. Take a really good look at yourself and ask: Am I dating this person simply because they are there? Is this person making me happy? The moment you start withholding a comment that you would usually pass, ask: Am I being true to who I am? Or am I just making nice for now? 

Now, can you also respond honestly?

If the person is pushing to do something that you disagree with or are not ready for, do you just grin and bear it? Or just say no? Personally, I'd respect a person who would disagree with me. I'd respect them even more if they can tell me why straight up. Again, I ask, if you cannot be yourself, then what is the point?

There is so much we can argue about being in, out or looking for a relationship,getting married and all but we have to remember not to lose ourselves in the pursuit of happiness. 

I read two articles this week that underscore my commitment to being true to myself:
Who Cares What Women (or Men) Want—What Do You Want? and  The Wrong Reason to Get Married—and the Right Way to Think about It. So what does a single girl like me know about being in a relationship, you ask? Well, what I can say is that, in finding the right mate, I will try as much as I can to stay as true to myself and my beliefs as much as I can. 

Cos if I don't, I know that there would be some trusted person who'll slap me back into place. Heh.

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Fancy a happy ending, mate?

The Crystals probably sang it the best:

Well he walked up to me
And he asked me if I wanted to dance
He looked kinda nice
And so I said I might take a chance
When he danced he held me tight
And when he walked me home that night
All the stars were shining bright
And then he kissed me

Blame it on Hollywood or the excess of bloody romantic novels that I read but have you ever wondered what happens after the chase is over? There is the dramatic, music, the birds will chirp,  you've tasted true love's kiss and then?

You both open your eyes and go, oh, that was great, lovey poo... Now let's get back to work.

I don't know about you but while it's always good to have that romantic fantasy in the back of your head, the reality falls short. Almost all the time. Well, unless you work at it.

With all the hurry-burry and the madness of our lives today, it's like everyone seems to be pushing themselves towards that grand wedding, buying that dream house, 'we MUST get together' and oh, when will we ever have sex? But why am I pondering these bloody questions?

A good friend of mine sparked off this train of thought when he was sharing some angst about his new lady love. Apparently, said lady love seems to be in a grand hurry about getting them from dating to committed and married in the space of a few weeks. Don't get me wrong, they have been seeing each other every couple of day and chatting online. Things seem to be going well but she comes across like a steamroller at times. She states her wants and expects that he feels the same and that all will be agreed upon, nice and easily.

Are you freaking kidding me? I know that none of us are getting any younger but since when do we need a dating guarantee to get things off the ground? It left me wondering, what if my friend had said yes to her mad demands and questions... and then what? It's good that some women are straightforward and can take the lead in relationships but what is the guarantee that if one party acquiescenced, that things would simply fall into place?

Sure, there are some cases where things will fall into place, but realistically, you have to work at things before you can reap even a small measure of success. But withthe right person, it may not feel like you are working all that much?

Me, I'm just a grumpy friend who just wished that the lady love would take a chill pill (or pills) and wait, give the man a chance to get used to the idea before going all mental. He will come around. You'll see.

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Dear God, save me from idiots

I've always wondered, what makes us stay in strange relationships that are bad?

Deep down, we all want to be loved and have the capacity to give ourselves to others but how do we know when to quit something that isn't right? How far or how long will your patience last before it breaks? 

I look at my friends and see that they have amazing wells of patience. One of them actually had the capacity to sit and face something akin to the Spanish Inquisition from a woman he barely knew. I honestly don't know where he gets it but if I were in his shoes, I'd have told her to fuck off after she fired her first round of questions. The only reason he doesn't do so, is because he likes her.

In liking someone, we get mushy-headed. We all feel the need to give people a chance. Be it in a new relationship or at work, its human nature to give the other party the benefit of the doubt. I do it...a lot. Particularly when I'm in a relationship. Friends have told me that sometimes I put up with too much idiocy for my own good. It took me a really long time to face up to the fact that I do.

When I like someone, I like taking the time to get to know them and their idiocyncracies. I'll sit back and see how they react to others, or what they will do and say in certain situations. Asking questions can only get you so far, but watching people's behaviour and reactions? That is hard to hide.  

Me, I don't have much patience to start off with. I'm impatient and mouthy but somehow, in new relationships, I will suddenly develop patience. Funny, right? 

I've come to realize one thing though: the older I get, the less I am willing to put up with bullshit. Call it a stage of maturity but really, if the guy can't talk to me, can't be himself around me or can't even stick around long enough, I'm gone.  And if he suddenly decides to be an Inquisitor, he better be ready to face the same.

But back to the question. How much or how long are you willing to endure their nonsense before you decide it's enough? Are you able to see that person for who they are and still like them? Are they willing to take all your nonsense? Will you want to work through the issues with this person or choose to simply walk away? 

For me, its a matter of seeing how much a person's baggage goes with mine and are they willing to make the change with me? After all the experiences that I've had, I learned is to value me. If something makes me unhappy, I have the power to change it. I deserve better and it's up to me to get my happy show on the road.

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Where to now, good Captain?

In the blink of an eye, it's already March.
Work is picking up steadily, we have six weeks or so to prepare for the India salsa festival, West Coast Swing is finally working for me and I am feeling a little happier about where I am personally. It's been a somewhat tricky time at home but the good news is, that things are moving in a more positive direction now.
On the personal front, it's nice to spend my birthday and for once, Valentine's with a really cool person. What I don't appreciate are people asking me a barrage of questions about where all this is heading in the attempt to suss me out. Just why on earth would you ask someone you barely know about their personal life?
Bloody hell. I know that we are all obsessed with finding The One, but please refrain from getting all excited on my behalf. I actually like the way things are now, so if you see me out, just smile and say hi, don't get too excited. Don't make me kill you for no good reason.
Moving right along...
When it comes to relationships, I learned that girls and guys have very much the same reactions and feelings to certain things. It's funny but somewhat true. I've been having a few conversations on the topic with a close circle of friends and it's pretty interesting and sometimes too bloody amusing to say the least. 

  • Men get nervous about the woman's reactions. Why the hell do they always think we will go mad about everything. Really, if you avoid the PMS period, all is good.
  • Women get nervous when men don't react. Men, wake up, if she asks you a question, she definitely wants to know what you think. And if she goes crazy, its probably because you didn't respond.
  • Sex may kill or boost a relationship. We are not on TV, we don't have to jump straight into sex.
  • We all over analyze. To the point of driving ourselves and our friends nuts.
  • We all have no clue what the other party is thinking....and no, age has nothing to do with gaining telepathic powers. The only ones with that power are our mums.
  • Communication is about talking about things...anything! Not just about saying 'I miss you' at odd times of the day. 
  • Talking about your ideal relationship or where you want things to be doesn't mean that you have to have all this right now. Take a chill pill and enjoy the ride!
  • Asking questions and opening up is scary! Remember, it's about discovery, not about being part of the Spanish Inquisition.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should do a series of posts on this...what do you think?

It's nice to be back though :)

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Sometimes, it's just madness


I'm busy,
it's work,
I dance,
there is simply not enough hours of the day.

Faced a personal crisis,
saved my sanity,
promptly fell ill
I just want to coast for now.

The last couple of months have gone from being really nice and easy to tumultuous in a space of a few weeks. A tough decision was called for and while it killed me just a little, I realized that I was all the better for making it. I don't believe in half measures and that I cannot abide fickleness. Now, all I want to do is huddle in a corner and hibernate.

But I can't do that. For if I hibernate, I will mull and most likely fall into a deep funk. So here I am, pushing myself to do more, go out and see people, work more, dance more and just simply be more. Moving on means staying occupied and focusing on what I can do better. I simply cannot afford to hide.

It is one of the reasons why I haven't blogged in ages. I am just working out a few kinks in my armor and simply learning how to get back on the horse again. Well, things are slowly getting better and hopefully, I will be back in full form soon. Healing is a bitch, but I have to go through the motions.

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Save it for another day

Rejection, no matter how old you or jaded you claim to be, it still stings.

The irony of that is the people who are so afraid of rejection are the ones who hurt others the most.  It's like they are so afraid of letting people in that they'd push everyone away so that they never have to tackle anything that is beyond their comfort zones. No matter how gentle or soothing the words, no remains no.


Take it from me, if you are unsure about anything ask. If you do not want anything to happen, never initiate or encourage. And if you get questioned, answer as honestly as possible - face to face. Sure, there is no way of rejecting anyone gently or even easily but you can still respect the person by addressing them directly. The worst outcome? A few tears or the loss of one friendship. The best? They will still respect you as a person and will want to continue being friends.

For me, the worst is being rejected over email. How is anything supposed to happen with anyone if you can't even talk to each other? To a large extent, emails, and even the chat mechanisms like MSN, Yahoo or Skype facilitate personal communication but they are also very impersonal channels. After all, no one sees you giving the finger to the person you are chatting with unless both your cams are switched on, right?

So how do you cope with rejection? Despite the tears, the busted ego and self esteem, you have to carry on. But choose your routes wisely. One-night stands are a temporary reprieve and in the long run, show that you are unable to handle anything serious. Stringing along and dumping other candidates shows that you are just as stupid as the person who rejected you.

For me, the best route was to go out and reclaim my life. So I went out to do what I love best. Spice up my night with some salsa :o) To me, dancing with a partner who is equally willing to cut loose on the social floor adds just a little bit of magic. There is great chemistry, self-consciousness is a non-issue and you simply focus on the person in front of you. Bonus points as he was cute too *wiggles eyebrows*

It felt wonderful to have someone just appreciate me. The cool part is that while there was a great deal of flirting going-on, we left it at that. There was no need to take things further. It was simply fun to enjoy each other just for a while.

And who knows? We may meet again in the near future.

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Quiet moments of anger

Fear, what is it about fear that paralyzes people?
To the point it avoidance,
to the point of aggression,
to the point where words can't be taken back?

I'm pissed off that fear blindsided me,
it took away something that could've been good.
Fear brings its friend, doubt which now introduces hesitation.
Too many at the party for me to feel comfortable.

In quiet moments, anger pops by for a visit,
Bitterness also says hi,
Disappointment sets in and self esteem gets bruised
Will things ever get back to normal?

It's an uphill battle where I have to regroup
To repair a heart that's been hurt.
The quiet moments of anger and pain still get to me
I'm waiting for the day when this will pass.

Hopefully by then, you'd have left fear behind
and be able to come together as friends.
Cos I'm tired of your running, of constantly being afraid
No one can accept you unless you accept yourself.

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Nice to know you

Guess who's on hiatus? *happy dance*

Yeap, the time has come to move onto other pastures. Greener, perhaps but definitely moving right along. One thing this last vacation has taught me is that life's simply too short to dawdle. You have to grab it by its scruff and hop on for the ride! Or if you are unhappy about things, leave. Do what you want now. Why wait?

So here we go, a little hop-skip into the abyss of the unknown.

Don't get me wrong, I still love what I do professionally but sometimes the environment and the people in it are just too much to handle. Let's just say that I have high expectations and believe that people should strive along with me to achieve them. After all, it is not my goals that we are working to achieve. Sadly, people being contradictory creatures, tend to disagree. Hence, I'm moving on.

On a personal level, I am eliminating the sitting around and waiting. I'm not getting any younger and procrastination will take me nowhere fast. Could'a, would'a should'a' are not viable options. I am bloody straightforward and speak my mind. Yes, its hard to handle but it's much better than trying to be a freaking mind reader. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I manage to get myself into these prickly situations. Ha, maybe it's because I tend to hope for more, but what is wrong with the hoping?

Could be a mad personality thing. I tend to charge ahead, striking out on a limb with my heart on my sleeve and my mind open to new things. Wanting to know where everything fits and how they fit instead of just leaving things alone. While some circumstances and people have hurt me, I'd still rather move on knowing rather than live in ignorance. To me, spending time with someone and trying to find out how they tick means a heck lot more than just thinking about the things that could have been.

I suppose this is a sign of growing up. You pick the battles that you want to fight and let go of those that are holding you down. Hence this is me moving on. I can't bloody wait :o)

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Like a freaking magnet

Have you ever had the experience where you hang out with your guy friends for a period of time and then suddenly one of them pops up one day to declare: Guess what, I’m officially attached! So when will you go out and find someone?

What's a girl to do, really?
Makes me want to deck the smuggy buggers.

This is not new. Apparently most of my guy friends (both new and old) who hang around me for some time tend to get attached within a couple of months. It’s not like I’m a match-maker, I don’t introduce anyone to them or anything. One moment, the fella is happy being a swinging single, just waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting female and then? The next time you meet, he tells you about this new girl he’s seeing and how they are embarking on some adventure or another. It’s like woa…dude.

Just to clarify, when I hang out with the boys, we don’t do anything out of the ordinary; we hang out, there are lots of drinks, talk a house down, play agony aunt/uncle and do the occasional party. Romantic ties? There are none, they are just friends. Yes, you can be platonic friends with your friends from the other sex.

I’ve been observing this and the stats speak for themselves: two marriages and at least four of my good friends are now part of a couple. All in the span of two years! Although there have been some breakups, those are few and far between. WTH? Am I some sort of girlfriend magnet? Does hanging out with guy friends make them more attractive to other women? Maybe the lunkheads eventually cotton to better behaviour towards the fairer sex? They sure as hell can’t read my mind and get testily told off for being idiots most of the time.

Chope. This is all good but what about me? Hallo, kawan-kawan, can you please return the favour? Yes, I am happy that you lunkheads have found your special someone. Now can you please get off your arses and feel free to expend some mojo/good karma to me? When you get married, I will pow a bigger ang pow in gratitude, kthanxbye J

Unfortunately, my freakish powers do not extend to my female friends. In contrast, they seem to break up, seek independence and the freedom to do whatever and whomever they want ;) Talk about role reversals!

Ah well, you can’t have everything, right?

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Re-enter the clown

I finally laid that demon called my ex to bed. Following the post entitled Send in the Clowns, the clown did indeed try to re-enter my life yet again.

I'm a pretty even tempered person most of the time. What I cannot stand are idiots. Especially idiots who do not open their eyes or mind up to what I am saying. I am not being unreasonable. But it seems like he had made up his mind on what he wanted and who I am. Well, that is just bullshit because he never made the effort to talk with me directly or answer my questions. Honestly, who calls in the middle of the night to chat? (1) someone who is overseas or (2) someone who does not need to work (3) a booty call.

Eh hero, I have to work in the day and you live in the same country as I. Isn't it enough to chat online? What happened to meeting face-to-face for coffee? Is this like in secondary school where we can go steady with someone without actually interacting with them? I hate, HATE nattering on the phone for no reason and calling in the middle of the night is a sure-fire deal breaker.

What gets my gander is that the man is impractical. How can a grown man with a daughter chose not to work and instead hang out with friends all the time? That he is going back to the polytechnic to take a diploma is a step in the right direction but it's not enough. Who supports them financially? How is the child going to school?  Who do they live with?

I declined getting back together because we are essentially different people and there are so many unanswered questions that he refuses to address.  I can't live in vagueness and don't believe that love and kindness can sustain a comfortable life. Yes, I pushed him and this is why his response became nastier.

SS: a few years ago, maybe...now. nope. 18 years is a shitload of years for me. i raised a family...and gave up a lot of things. i put myself through school and worked my way up from nothing. SO to me it is everything

KT: Go ahead n b heartless nw den coz wat goes ard cums ard..I dun mind goin thru diz hardship nw if datz wat He chose 4 me

Hello? Just because I said no to getting back together does not make me heartless. What about MY feelings? Apparently, I am not a consideration in this relationship, just a crutch and probably the sole breadwinner too. And what is with bringing God into the equation? Your destiny is what you make of it, man.

SS: you don't understand and are not willing to see where im coming from. you want what you want

KT: wel it should b d other way round

SS: what way is that? tt i am hankering for you? 

KT: i'm done wif my bad boy phase but ur juz beginnin ur bad gal phase nw, d tables r turn

Hold your horses. The man just implied that I should be the hankerer! He obviously lives in his own bubble. *rolls eyes*

Last Friday was the first time I was out partying with my salsa team at Cuba Libre after a long time. In recent years, my 'partying' is confined to salsa social nights at Jitterbugs, Union Square and Cuba Libre. Salsa dancing is a major part of my life and has helped me overcome a number of personal challenges. Plus, I love drinks and dinners with my mates, who doesn't? I have the means to do so and I didn't realize that it made me a party animal. But did he bother to ask? Why should he ask such things about me when he can assume and make up stuff from my answers? That ticked me off and hence:

SS: fuck you...i am NO bad girl. i have always been me

KT: pls fuck me den 

SS: hell no!

KT: thkz 4 dat aniwei. To u ur not but....

SS: i party when i can and i have lots of different friends do you?

KT: No use if u dun reflect dat  (note: I have no idea what this means. Maybe the man is still on drugs. Hence the shit spelling.)

I am always eloquent when I get pissed off. More so when people have missed the point of what I am saying and choose to misconstrue me.  This is ridiculous. Just because he has 'reformed' it does not give him the right to judge people. His life is still messed up! WTF, man. And to be honest, I've always suspected that the reason for wanting a reconciliation in the first place was so that he can nail 'the one that got away'. Unfortunately, I don't see things in that way. At the back of my mind, I knew that even if we did try back then, we'd be too different to stay together for long. And so, it ends with one final joust:

SS: i dont care...i've stopped caring abt what others think a long time ago. to you, i'm some sort of cheap party girl. to me, you are a bum

KT: i'm no angel but i've been dat done dat n wen thru worst den u can imagine

SS: this is me

KT: i chance not 4u aniwei so plz learn humility. change**

SS: oh please...humility? you are telling me that? YOU? we each had a horrible time - i don't discount that. now it's about moving on

KT: Juz b a bitch 4 all i care,1 day u'll realize d true facts which u dun seems 2c

SS: that i am a bitch? pls..i know that we can't all have what we want. that is the reality of the situation

KT: wateva den

Fine, call me a bitch, witch, oh just take your pick. The most hilarious part was that he immediately deleted me off his Facebook friends list. Most likely so he can slag me off in bad English without my knowledge. Well, that is ok with me. I relish a fair fight and should he chance on this blog and call me out on it, bring it on, baby! Realistically, this won't happen. After all, the man took 18 years to contact me. It may take another 18 years and then he will call me again, hoping that I have a memory like the dude in Memento.

And you can't just rock up and expect people to accept you with open arms. Maybe he should get a dog or any pet that doesn't talk and will still love him unconditionally. Because the human will definitely want to know almost everything or at the very least, where the line is drawn.

Incidentally KT is not his name. It is short for Kental, which is Malay street slang for hopeless worm :p

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Send in the clowns!

Have you ever felt that on some days, it's like you've woken up in a Terry Gilliam movie? Things are just too surreal to digest and it feels like one glorious headfuck.

This was one of those weeks. After cancelling my online dating account, it feels like things are getting back into normal. I no longer have to deal with weird people, right? Hells no. This week saw someone from waaaaay back in the past suddenly pop up from nowhere and professing all sorts of things. "Chope" you say, who is this again?

This would be an ex from a really short-lived but intense relationship back when I was all of 16. It was so short-lived that I never told my closest friend about him. To be honest, my mid-teen years were the most tumultuous. I had to deal with my parents divorce, made the conscious decision to stay with dad so the siblings can continue school and childcare and eventually quit my studies for a while just so that everyone can  get a semblance of normal life. It wasn't easy walking away from that relationship. It took us a hell of a long time to even get together but it had to be done.

It has been 18 years. After that decision was made, we lost contact. I went on with my life to where I am now and he, well...he was one heck of a wild child. And that is putting it mildly. We still share mutual friends and over the years I've heard my fair share of stories about him. It seems that he didn't migrate at all. He's been living in Singapore all the time and the man has done his fair share of alcohol, drugs, women and fuck all. The icing on the cake has to be the nine-year old daughter that he chose not to mention till I brought her up. And now, the man is trying to clean up his act.

Admittedly, when he first made contact (on Facebook, no less!), I was taken aback and a little flattered that he actually remembers me after all this time. Then came the declarations of feelings and 'I still miss you' and 'do you think we can try again'. STOP THE PRESSES. What?! I actually had a good look around to see if Ashton Kutcher will leap out from the office toilet to tell me I've been Punk'd.  Instead, I calmly told him that it has been years since we last spoke to each other. Things have changed now and we have all grown up. They can never fall back to when we were growing up.

It boggled me that he is of the mindset that things can simply be picked up from where we left off. It pissed me off that he seems to think that my life has been stalling since we broke up. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Succinctly and swearily, I told him that things were going great and no, no one was waiting for you. Stop being an twat. Hey, he is a grown man, he can deal.

I was a little harsh with him but then again, how can I not be? Reality is such that we have to face up to the now. Live in it and not just dwell on the past. The man has no clue of who I am now. And vice versa, yet I don't have the heart to want to find out. There is too much history that I do not want to trudge through and it seems like his life is not trouble-free even now. While on one hand, I am flattered by the attention, it feels that a good dose of reality is needed.

So, I won't be revisiting old feelings. Looking at the person I have grown into, she has become a lot tougher and a shitload more cynical. There is no accepting things on face value or lip service. Although I did agree to have coffee just so that we can reconnect as friends, there is no underlying message or ulterior motive on my part. Whether that date is kept or not, depends on him. I'm not afraid to look at my past. I just don't want to revisit it and at this point in time, it is safe to say that I have the choice of walking away.

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Breaking free

And so, after about three months, I bid adieu to online dating. Guess I was not as adventurous as I should’ve been and I just didn’t want to meet any strange people. Especially people who cannot spell my name properly or think that I am a phone service that wants to call them just to say hi.  

The guys who wanted to meet me were either getting long in the tooth themselves, were really keen on getting married or were keen on a fling. I'm no saint but it gets my back up when guys that i have never met declare that they want a serious relationship and intend to get married soon. It's all good telling telling me what you aspire to but don’t get too carried away with your ideals and assume that I would blindly follow. Men are weird…they claim to know what they want and once they’ve made up their minds, all I keep hearing is them expounding their key message ad nauseum.

As for me, I have to meet the person to get a sense of who they are. What is the point of building castles in the air only to meet the person and discover that you are incompatible? Emails and all are fine as an introductory measure but I still have to meet the person. Hang out, talk and generally see where things go from there. Email helps me filter out the pests too. It may sound weird to you but if the emails are too fluffy or too horrendously written, I won't consider writing back. Sometimes a cursory message will do. Chances are, if you can't be bothered to write properly, you probably won't be able to hold a conversation too. 

A week before I cancelled the account, it suddenly picked up. I received a couple of emails from a few interesting people and decided to communicate with them via personal email.  Where were these fellas before? Sheesh. While I don’t have the most exciting personality, I’d still give them a shot to see where they are coming from. Despite that, I still got rid of the account over the weekend. Online dating is nice if you have the will to carry through with it or if you like to tease. I am hardly a tease and acting cute just makes me queasy so it’s not really for me. Maybe I have to be of a different mindset for this.

As such, I’ve decided to focus on other ventures, like planning my next holiday! There is only so much I can do to plot to ensnare a man and it takes two to tango. So, why keep pushing things? It didn’t take me long to realize that I’ve been happy running my life as it is.  There are not many complications and I have the freedom to fit things into my schedule as I like.

Hence I am plotting to run away yet again. My mid-year break will take me half way around the world to friends that I’ve promised to visit for years. I love these wanderlust journeys…refreshes my mind and shows me that there is much more to experience in the world other than only in my environment.  Who knows what other adventures may beckon then? *rubs hands in glee*

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Those dastardly expectations

http://www.newyorker.com/
We’re all guilty of having them. It’s what we do with them that makes life more enjoyable and not just a cesspool of despair. Heh.

Was re-visitng a couple of favourite movies on the weekend and decided to take a second stab at Jason Reitman’s Up in the Air. While the film centres around George Clooney’s character, Ryan Bingham, what intrigued me was the interplay between the characters and their take on relationships.

In my last post, I was busy ranting about dating and the single girl. Watching the film made me realize that some points raised by its female protagonists, Vera Farmiga (Alex Goran) and Anna Kendrink (Natalie Keener) strike pretty close to home. Here’s the excerpt:

Natalie Keener: I thought I'd be engaged by now. I thought by 23, I'd be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.
Alex Goran: Well, life can underwhelm you that way.
Natalie Keener: Where did you think you'd be by err...?
Alex Goran: It doesn't work that way. At a certain point, you stop with the dead lines. It can be a little counter productive.
Natalie Keener: I don't want to say anything that is anti feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.
Alex Goran: It was our pleasure.
Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?
Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.
Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing
Source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1193138/quotes?qt1149270

It’s amusing how many friends still list out the physical attributes of a potential man. Is age a factor? Or does cynicism set in with age? My perceptions of people continue to change with the people I meet and interact with. It's a hell lot tougher to determine what people want today or if they can even be straight with you in the first place.

Come to think of it, I have never set personal deadlines. These bloody things depress me because there is no way me or anyone can control it. It's an unnecessary burden. It hinges on a lot of outside factors, chief among them, that other half that you are so intent on capturing.

So excuse me, world, while I carry on with my life. Ranting aside, there is nothing worse than letting your life come to a stand still. On to the next great adventure!

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Ever prodded a sleeping dragon, only to have it whip up and bite you in the ass? Well, neither have I. But I advocate that you should try everything...once ;P

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