Baggage that didn't go with mine

Almost two months after my birthday and about a week after his, things are over. Why? Is it the distance?

No. We talk every day. Things are almost normal except that I am in Dubai and he is in Singapore. We still have discussions about how the kids are, does my place have more than just the bed or whether he will be taking that job in China or making plans to see each other again. Normal? Not quite.
Complexity and then some

How would you feel if your other half, who has said that things should continue, turn to you and say: “Go out and have fun! So, have you gotten laid yet? You should!” I may be liberal in a lot of things but when it comes to my own partner telling me that he wants to go out and bang some chick or that I should be getting some – why, do you plan to be a nun in Dubai? That hurt – it tells me that he doesn’t want this. We’re nowhere near settling down yet and this crops up like a dark little devil. It tells me that I do not want this. Coming from a background where my dad was constantly cheating on my mum, it is a painful reminder to me that if your partner strays or wants to stray then, you are better off without them.

Growing up, I remembered watching my mother cry, us kids getting packed up in the middle of the night and running to a relative’s place so my parents can ‘talk’. I remember the nightly screams, the fights and the awful, awful silence when things have simply gone beyond the point of return. I was 14 when I told my mum, enough is enough. Why are you putting up with this nonsense? You are much better than this. We are old enough to handle it.

Fast forward about 20 years. Here’s the man who checked a lot of the boxes that I am looking for. With the exception that he is a crazy workaholic, who works like a dog to support a family that hardly bothers. Oh and, he believes that we should always fulfill our pleasures. He says that when we are together, we’re together and when we’re not, we should individually take our pleasures as and when we need them, even if we are married. He considers what we have an open relationship; a very open one. Seriously?! Is the modern relationship only earmarked for hedonistic pleasure? Are we still living in the age of Caligula? Or in Magic Mike? Are we so driven by sex that there is simply no room for connection or emotion of any sort?

I took in what he said and attempted to digest it. Ha, I am a modern woman after all but then again, I am not modern enough to want to share my love. Or my man. Even though we share a lot of common interests and ground, I cannot be with someone that I cannot trust. I don’t want to live each day, waiting for the moment where he will confess who he banged.  Waiting for that day…just waiting, just kills me. No, I am NOT fine with that. But a relationship, like everything else is 50/50, right? Nothing is concrete. Yet to me, if you are committed to someone, you remain so, physically and emotionally. We are not animals. This is also not a competition where one of us tries to one up the other with conquests. If you want to fool around, please go ahead – just don’t come home to me and expect things to be all shiny happy.
 
To be honest, the thought of starting anything at this point in time, feels a bit revolting. Looking around me, I see a lot of people who are determined to restart their lives. By seeking pleasure anywhere they can. But is that really enough? It seems like pleasure is the one great thing that a lot of people seek when their own lives and relationships have gone to shit. I’ve been down that path before. Pleasure is a passing phase and once that is over, you lapse back into such emptiness or just like an addict, you attempt to seek it out, again and again, believing that for one moment, you are alive.

I just wished that I was strong enough to end things when I moved. But I bought into the hope and the assurance that things could work out. I’m paying for that now. Maybe I should have nagged you more or made life harder for you. Would you prefer that? Maybe you need another weight around your already burdened shoulders, another responsibility to be guilted about? But I have you the freedom to do as you please, I didn't make any fuss about the long working hours, the trips or the endless schedules. I didn't judge when the bad things happened. I worried about the operations. I worked around it and I was there for you. And yet, you needed more... more what? That is the part I totally don't get.
 
There’s no misunderstanding. It was just false hope, where there was none to be had in the first place. Who knows, maybe we’ll be friends. But at this juncture, I’d take the freedom to be myself and just live.
  

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2 comments:

charmedphoenixrising said...

Girl you're amazing, just the way you are

Bitchy Witchy said...

As are you... Now, let the living begin!

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Ever prodded a sleeping dragon, only to have it whip up and bite you in the ass? Well, neither have I. But I advocate that you should try everything...once ;P
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