Freedom of expression takes on many different meanings - for some it is in bitching until ears drop off, for a few hundred deluded Singaporeans - it is singing, for others it is looking at life through a lens and then, there is the American Academy of Poets... where were you guys when I was angsty, dammit! I could've been the next Dylan Thomas or Wordsworth... it even sounds prestigious. 'Hi, I'm a member of the Academy. How do you do?"...or Bernadette Mayer, whose Ode to Periods was sent to me by a little birdie...who is damn free.

So back to expression. For me it is writing. It is about the only time when I get to sit down and really think things through. To relax and just let everything pour out. The Hulk morphs into a mean, green, pounding machine when he's mad. Me? I turn in The Tortured Poet or a character in a musical. When I get hurt, or angry or upset - instant poetry. Sheesh. Well, it sure beats singing...

Unlike the orally inclined, I'm not too fond of hearing myself yammer, on and on - it's tiring. The only time I've ever given people The Talk - and the gang is aware of this, is when something's gone wrong or if someone asks me an opinion. Gawd, I'm not too fond of giving The Talk and I've had mixed reactions from different people. Some run from me like scared little chickens, some can't belive that I can actually frame a thought (gasp, she can think for herself?!) but some, really do take things into account. And for that I'm grateful. Nothing can be worse than you expanding energy to express an opinion or tell someone what you really think and have it fall on deaf ears.

This last week also saw LADC celebrate their 3rd-year anniversary. It's hard to believe but the studio has been reaching out to and teaching students how to refine their dance techniques for so long. Some of the instructors are not even as old as me! And yet, it has been great. I've only been with them for about a year, but they've taught me a lot. The students got to express themselves through various dance disciplines...from hip hop to street jazz to pure funk and even a bit of dubious mime. Just check out the photos! We all had a great time. Even I plucked up enough courage to salsa my ass off in two performances. All the blood, sweat and tears finally paid off and it was great! Not that I'm blowing my own horn but geez...the rehearsals alsmost killed the lot of us and even some newbies got into the act. Funnily enough, the nerves kind of got me in the end, like 2 mins before my set...sheesh. You just have to make those nerves work for you somehow, regardless of what your stage is. And then, the fun kicks in.

To all the performers, you were FABULOUS! To LADC, here's wishing you many, many more birthdays! May we all have happy feet and be unafraid to express ourselves, always :o)

Sometimes, it's tough not to loathe the telephone. Yea, so it is a symbol of Alexander Graham Bell's ever evolving invention, it is a means of communication, a means to reach out to that certain someone that you love. But sometimes, it has the capability to deliver the most devastating messages to you too. Breakups, accidents and disasters...most of the time you get the call.

This week, I too received such a call.

This post is dedicated one of my dearest friends and her family who have recently lost their dad and husband. To Uncle Francis, who has never failed to welcome me to his home and who has always the pillar of strength for his family. Even though I did not know you well, I am grateful to know you and your family. To Aunty Teresa, who always has a cheerful insight and a laugh no matter how hard it was. Thank you for looking out for me. To everyone in the family, my heartfelt sympathies, hugs and prayers are with you.

And just as I've dedicated to my cousin, know that there is hope in the midst of sorrow, comfort in the midst of pain and support and love from the people who are around you. Take care and stay strong.

This week has been for me...mostly recuperating and getting my feet back for a new adventure. I've found that strawberry scrubs and massages are heavenly, heavenly de-stressers, that you can work up a sweat by 'walking" around the house and that Belle may probably have e second career as a 'lightbulb changer"... oh happy indulgences!

Tomorrow is D-Day for me. Finally moving into a new territory and hopefully progressing into somewhere that I can expand my horizons.

As with starting anything new, I am a little apprehensive about everything. From what I'll actually be doing to - will I have a seat with a view, to how will the people treat me, will I be ok here? Afterall, I came from AMK where there were NO windows that the staff can look out from at any time of the day so a change will be nice. The people were ok but you roll with the punches that come along and once in a while land a few good ones yourself :o) Apprehensive yet excited...much like a kid on christmas morning. You never know what you'll get! The excitement kicks in because I've wanted to do this for some time and have not had the opportunity to so I am raring to go.

At times, I envy the people who can afford to sit around and idle their lives away or try to live in the lap of luxury - like say, a tai-tai (or lady of leisure, for you non-islanders) in training. While I can admire them, I can also safely say that I am one a few don't have such inclinations. Hey, I love being pampered as much as the next girl, but I find that idling away just saps my energy - all that eating, shopping and indulgences just gets boring and after a short while, my brain ceases to perform its usual functions. That brain-dead and bored feeling for me is hell. Sure, I can find activities to occupy my time or look to friends to accompany me on some vetures but that just fizzles out after a while and I am not selfish enough to expect my friends to bow to my every whim.

Oh and while some women tend to think that they can get all this with some rich guy, I prefer to work to get what I want. I want the luxuries and also the independence that comes with it. My guy has to be able to accept my little idiosyncrasies. I may be traditional in some aspects but modern in others. A mass of contradictions? Well, maybe but a clone, I am not.

This week, I've discovered the one thing that I should never do to impress anyone - be it a new friend or crush or whatever - rollerblading. I somehow don't have the aptitude for this sport - ok, or I may be out of practice...or it could be someone that jinxes me. I have to go on record to say that I've never gotten so bruised and bloodied from blading before I went with this one person. You know who you are - the next time I'm cycling! I'll probably be less hurt and will be less prone to running Kermit over. Either that or I'm padding up like one of those NFL players.

We'll see.

Well, my time in Ang Mo Kio is finally over and I'm now due for a short home vacation before starting on a new path in my career. While the time spent here has been an interesting one, it's also kind of a bittersweet ending for me.

For one, I found that just working and existing is not enough. I want to be in control of my career and also make a difference to people - I am idealistic this way. It's taught me that although politics is an essential part of any working culture, you are ultimately working for yourself. Therefore, you have to be strong enough to believe in youself and lead with conviction before anyone else will buy into you. You have to be self-assured, motivated and ambitious; and tough enough to stand your ground when faced with adversity. I've learnt that a tough hide comes with practice, that not everyone is working toward the same goals. To this end, I am thankful for all the challenges that I've faced, for without them, I would never have pushed myself to where I am now.

The good thing about working here? I've worked with one of the best teams and office manager ever. People who are so cohesive that they will drop anything to help during events, a person who can at times be seen to perform miracles, people from around the region who will come through for you no matter how ridiculous the deadlines and people from around the world who have, ultimately helped me to grow as a person; you've made me realize that the world is much bigger than just me.
To everyone here - Thank you so much for you r friendship and support. For being there during the most ridiculous times, for coming up with the most fantastical ideas and for laughing when things get stupid. For your unending spirit, even when we had to work till 5am and get ready for the event at 8am. You guys are the top class and I wish you all the best!

When the time finally came to say goodbye and leave, I had conflicting emotions. It was a sense of relief combined with overwhelming exhaustion. Like I've run a 10km race or just finished a bout of sparring. It was very unusual as all I felt was tired, even when I met up with friends later - I almost left them to go home...all I felt was tired. I usually love a good party and these feelings were so unusual for me. Deep down, it could be the culmination of the work and personal events that's been happening over the last few weeks. I guess next week is a good time to recuperate and take some personal time out.

I recently came across an old horoscope assessment that I did some time back and I was a little taken aback by what I read. Now, I know that we should not be believing in such claptrap but I some parts of it did ring true. I'll share:

'You are a freedom-loving, strong-willed, and independent-minded individual, and you insist upon living your own life as you see fit, even if that means ignoring convention and tradition. In personal relationships you cannot be owned or possessed, and while you are willing to share yourself with another, you do not always adjust easily to the emotional give and take of a close relationship. Though intellectually open, you can be enormously stubborn, opinionated, and inflexible on a one-to-one level. You have strong convictions and feelings about fairness and equality, and you try to live by your ideals, but your ideals about how people SHOULD treat one another don't always take into account human weaknesses, differences, and needs. You probably dislike sentimentality and traditional gender roles and "games".

Some of the above statements are true and it'll take a bigger person to see me as a whole package rather than just some parts...and yes, I am bloody opinionated, stubborn and at times, terribly inflexible. I've been bitten, hurt and upset by my ideals so many times that it can be disillusioning but sometimes all it takes is just one person or one act of kindness to reaffirm some of it. The reading went on to say:

"Clear, objective, and realistic, you are unimpressed by exaggerated claims or promises. You insist upon being shown facts to back up any statement you hear, and your natural skepticism often borders on cynicism. You approach problems clearly and rationally and maintain your poise and objectivity even in the midst of critical situations. Anyone seeking your advice is certain to get an unemotional and unbiased assessment of their situation, and you therefore make a good arbitrator or judge. You are thorough, conscientious, and disciplined in your thinking, and have an aptitude for business, organization, and administration. You are also a good strategist, and will plan and patiently follow a realistic course which will lead to your eventual success. Serious-minded and studious, you enjoy quiet time alone for thinking or reading"

While I admit to having many flights of fancy, in the end, I am a realist. While I may want things to turn out differently, sometimes I just know where it'll end up. I like facts and I like a good challenge but I don't take to bullshit too well. I tend to deal with it in the most abrasive and unexpected ways. I may prefer to observe but at times, my mouth tends to get the better of me.

This has been a trying time but in the end, it is also the close of one good chapter and the beginning of a new one. Sigh, sometimes I wish that certain parts of my life can be so easily compartmentalized but feelings won't just go away overnight. I'm ok, I just need to ponder through a few things and hopefully see some light.

"I ain't lookin' for praise or pity, I ain't comin' 'round searchin' for a crutch, I just want someone to talk to. And a little of that Human Touch. Just a little of that Human Touch." - Bruce Springsteen