I recently read the above book by Poppy Z. Brite and was blown away by the story. It was surprising - the book was about two young boys who fell in love but were afraid to tell each other. They faced issues of peer pressure, of being ostracism and of ultimately, being rejected. The book was heartfelt, tender and even made me shed some tears. This was to me, a breakthrough, as Poppy's books of old were always depressive affairs laced with blood, gore, violence and sex scenes that bordered on pornography. Hairy stuff, even for a liberalist like me.

But this book was different. It was heartfelt and touching. The characters were real, affecting and believable. Rickey and G-Man are like some people I know. It begs the question: If faced with such life altering decisions, what does the Value of X mean to you?

It made me reflect on a few things, things that I have thought about but never looked deeply into. Questions like - what would've happened if I had stayed with my dad? Where would I be now? What would life be like if I never attempted to make my dreams come true?

When I was younger, I always thought that life would turn out perfectly for me. That I'd be a great student, have good friends, a wonderful family, graduate from a foreign university, be an accomplished sports person, etc, etc...but bugger for me cos all that almost came to a halt with the end of my parent's marriage. Suddenly I was left with two younger siblings to look after and a mildly psychotic dad. I to work for a living. No more social life, no extra money, no further studies, nothing.

Life was hard, but in a a small, perverse way, it could've turned out ideal. Why? Am I going mad? Is this a sign of senility? Well, no, hear me out. If I had chosen to remain with my dad, life as it was, could've turned out to be comfortable. Yes, COMFORTABLE, despite the emotional shit that my dad shoveled on me. But do I blame my dad? Hell yes! How can I let him get away so easily? However, I don't blame him for everything. Believe me, it's loads easier to blame someone else when you've landed in crap. I didn't get to study because of my evil dad! I don't have a life because of my evil dad! My evil dad held me back! The lesson I learnt here was that nothing will ever change if you keep blaming people. What you have to do instead is to get off your ass and DO something!

If I had remained with my dad, I would never have the life that I have now. The person that you would see now would be complacent, bitter and wasted shell. Whatever modicum of talent that I possessed would've been lost in having a comfortable life built on abject laziness.

Granted, my life is not perfect but I have worked hard, sacrificed and shed buckets of blood, sweat and tears to get to where I am today. Heck, I still bitch and moan about my life, who doesn't? It's good to bitch and moan but what's better is actively trying to improve your lot in life. So thigs are not ideal and you don't like it. Well, you can change it! But the journey now has been rocky, difficult and tough but I am happier, healthier and more of a realist than an idealist. Will I do it again? Hell yes.

Do I want more out of life? Of course! I want to be able to see my brother everyday, to see him grow up, to yell at him because he was an idiot. Things that I cannot do now. But will, eventually.

In the book, Rickey and G-Man never did find out what the Value of X was. They had to go through a number of obstacles before finally deciding that they can be better, stronger and happier if they were together. It took a lot of courage and heart on their parts to reach out, to find each other. But in doing that, they prove that a taking some risk, having determination and some courage can take a person on a better path. I guess nothing in life will ever turn out as smooth as we intended but I'd say half the journey is won by just trying.

So tell me, what is your Value of X? Are you brave enough to risk everything to reach out for what you desire?