Send in the clowns!

Have you ever felt that on some days, it's like you've woken up in a Terry Gilliam movie? Things are just too surreal to digest and it feels like one glorious headfuck.

This was one of those weeks. After cancelling my online dating account, it feels like things are getting back into normal. I no longer have to deal with weird people, right? Hells no. This week saw someone from waaaaay back in the past suddenly pop up from nowhere and professing all sorts of things. "Chope" you say, who is this again?

This would be an ex from a really short-lived but intense relationship back when I was all of 16. It was so short-lived that I never told my closest friend about him. To be honest, my mid-teen years were the most tumultuous. I had to deal with my parents divorce, made the conscious decision to stay with dad so the siblings can continue school and childcare and eventually quit my studies for a while just so that everyone can  get a semblance of normal life. It wasn't easy walking away from that relationship. It took us a hell of a long time to even get together but it had to be done.

It has been 18 years. After that decision was made, we lost contact. I went on with my life to where I am now and he, well...he was one heck of a wild child. And that is putting it mildly. We still share mutual friends and over the years I've heard my fair share of stories about him. It seems that he didn't migrate at all. He's been living in Singapore all the time and the man has done his fair share of alcohol, drugs, women and fuck all. The icing on the cake has to be the nine-year old daughter that he chose not to mention till I brought her up. And now, the man is trying to clean up his act.

Admittedly, when he first made contact (on Facebook, no less!), I was taken aback and a little flattered that he actually remembers me after all this time. Then came the declarations of feelings and 'I still miss you' and 'do you think we can try again'. STOP THE PRESSES. What?! I actually had a good look around to see if Ashton Kutcher will leap out from the office toilet to tell me I've been Punk'd.  Instead, I calmly told him that it has been years since we last spoke to each other. Things have changed now and we have all grown up. They can never fall back to when we were growing up.

It boggled me that he is of the mindset that things can simply be picked up from where we left off. It pissed me off that he seems to think that my life has been stalling since we broke up. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Succinctly and swearily, I told him that things were going great and no, no one was waiting for you. Stop being an twat. Hey, he is a grown man, he can deal.

I was a little harsh with him but then again, how can I not be? Reality is such that we have to face up to the now. Live in it and not just dwell on the past. The man has no clue of who I am now. And vice versa, yet I don't have the heart to want to find out. There is too much history that I do not want to trudge through and it seems like his life is not trouble-free even now. While on one hand, I am flattered by the attention, it feels that a good dose of reality is needed.

So, I won't be revisiting old feelings. Looking at the person I have grown into, she has become a lot tougher and a shitload more cynical. There is no accepting things on face value or lip service. Although I did agree to have coffee just so that we can reconnect as friends, there is no underlying message or ulterior motive on my part. Whether that date is kept or not, depends on him. I'm not afraid to look at my past. I just don't want to revisit it and at this point in time, it is safe to say that I have the choice of walking away.

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Ever prodded a sleeping dragon, only to have it whip up and bite you in the ass? Well, neither have I. But I advocate that you should try everything...once ;P


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