Map of the Problematique
Turning yet another year older should not really bother me. But this time it does.
I admire the friends who’ve said that they are comfortable with hitting another decade and that they can now move on but I somehow feel a little lost. It’s like sitting behind a glass wall where you can see people carrying on with their lives and you are just observing. There is this feeling of detachment that sits uncomfortably close – it’s like I can see what people are going through but I don’t feel it.
That, more than anything scares me the most.
It’s like waking up and suddenly realizing that life has caught up with you…suddenly, your friends and family are thinking of starting a new career, they are getting married, starting a family, going back to school, running away from problems, getting divorced – hell, I went through most of that shit and more all that for the last 15 years.
All I can think now is: What’s next? And how the heck do I feel alive again?
A friend that I’ve drifted apart from once said that a major accident changed her life and now she only wants to live for herself because that way, she won’t get hurt. Sometimes I wonder if she realizes the hurt that she causes other people and whether she even gives a hoot or does she even realize that people just patronize her and eventually walk away? I hope I never become like that.
This sense of detachment unsettles me and makes me feel incomplete. But I am lucky enough to have a few people to pull me back to reality. I love the work that I do and the pastimes that I’ve picked up but it’s a constant battle now to try to keep track of everything and the feelings that come with it. At times, I feel so tired that I just lie down and do nothing. I don’t want to see anyone and I go on long solitary walks with my iPod.
The not-so-great-news is that cynicism has set in a bit more and I no longer take things at face value. I’ve become more short-tempered and critical of myself and of others – at times, without considering if what I say will hurt the parties involved. I can only seek your forbearance and honesty if I should say anything that offends you.
I know that this is something that I’ll have to work through and that won’t be resolved if I simply ignore it but it’s going to be an uphill battle. It’s something that I’ve done before and will probably have to do again – I just hope that I have the dexterity to overcome it. I'm usually not a melancholy bear so bear with me for now.
I feel that things will be taking a different direction this year - A sense of adventure lies in wait and while I am uncertain how things will eventually turn out, I'm willing to take the plunge to try :o)
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