I recently read the above book by Poppy Z. Brite and was blown away by the story. It was surprising - the book was about two young boys who fell in love but were afraid to tell each other. They faced issues of peer pressure, of being ostracism and of ultimately, being rejected. The book was heartfelt, tender and even made me shed some tears. This was to me, a breakthrough, as Poppy's books of old were always depressive affairs laced with blood, gore, violence and sex scenes that bordered on pornography. Hairy stuff, even for a liberalist like me.

But this book was different. It was heartfelt and touching. The characters were real, affecting and believable. Rickey and G-Man are like some people I know. It begs the question: If faced with such life altering decisions, what does the Value of X mean to you?

It made me reflect on a few things, things that I have thought about but never looked deeply into. Questions like - what would've happened if I had stayed with my dad? Where would I be now? What would life be like if I never attempted to make my dreams come true?

When I was younger, I always thought that life would turn out perfectly for me. That I'd be a great student, have good friends, a wonderful family, graduate from a foreign university, be an accomplished sports person, etc, etc...but bugger for me cos all that almost came to a halt with the end of my parent's marriage. Suddenly I was left with two younger siblings to look after and a mildly psychotic dad. I to work for a living. No more social life, no extra money, no further studies, nothing.

Life was hard, but in a a small, perverse way, it could've turned out ideal. Why? Am I going mad? Is this a sign of senility? Well, no, hear me out. If I had chosen to remain with my dad, life as it was, could've turned out to be comfortable. Yes, COMFORTABLE, despite the emotional shit that my dad shoveled on me. But do I blame my dad? Hell yes! How can I let him get away so easily? However, I don't blame him for everything. Believe me, it's loads easier to blame someone else when you've landed in crap. I didn't get to study because of my evil dad! I don't have a life because of my evil dad! My evil dad held me back! The lesson I learnt here was that nothing will ever change if you keep blaming people. What you have to do instead is to get off your ass and DO something!

If I had remained with my dad, I would never have the life that I have now. The person that you would see now would be complacent, bitter and wasted shell. Whatever modicum of talent that I possessed would've been lost in having a comfortable life built on abject laziness.

Granted, my life is not perfect but I have worked hard, sacrificed and shed buckets of blood, sweat and tears to get to where I am today. Heck, I still bitch and moan about my life, who doesn't? It's good to bitch and moan but what's better is actively trying to improve your lot in life. So thigs are not ideal and you don't like it. Well, you can change it! But the journey now has been rocky, difficult and tough but I am happier, healthier and more of a realist than an idealist. Will I do it again? Hell yes.

Do I want more out of life? Of course! I want to be able to see my brother everyday, to see him grow up, to yell at him because he was an idiot. Things that I cannot do now. But will, eventually.

In the book, Rickey and G-Man never did find out what the Value of X was. They had to go through a number of obstacles before finally deciding that they can be better, stronger and happier if they were together. It took a lot of courage and heart on their parts to reach out, to find each other. But in doing that, they prove that a taking some risk, having determination and some courage can take a person on a better path. I guess nothing in life will ever turn out as smooth as we intended but I'd say half the journey is won by just trying.

So tell me, what is your Value of X? Are you brave enough to risk everything to reach out for what you desire?

I was sufficiently inspired from the events of last night to dream up a rather funny entry for today's post but, oh god, I got a call.

My cousin who recently emigrated to NZ suddenly lost her husband in the most shocking way. One moment the man was playing football with friends, the next moment he is gone. The news left me numb. What happened? How? And even why, crossed my mind but the one thing that ran on endlessly was - how is she going to cope?

My cousin is one of the strongest and steadiest people I know. She was the person who was always there for me during the harshest periods. The first person to stand up to my tyrant uncle, to make her own way in the world and the one who has constantly encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Now she is suddenly a single parent with 3 kids to raise, a demanding job and no family support in a foreign country. Her parents have already booked a flight to NZ and her sister is trying to go over. I am sorely tempted to just drop everything and go but I can't. Even my mum is frustrated as she's just got a new job and can no longer just leave.

It' s very heartwrenching to see someone so young and vital be suddenly snatched away. From the phonecall I had with her sister, it seems that the family was planning to come home within the next few weeks to visit. Things have been working out after some teething problems with the move and the family is now making quite a good living.

Today's post is dedicated to my cousin, my brave and dear big Bubujan. Stay strong and know that although we may not be able to be there with you, our heartfelt sympathies and prayers are with you and the children.

Know that there is hope in the midst of sorrow, comfort in the midst of pain and that your family will always be here to support you no matter what.

I don't know if it's the dance classes, the excess margaritas, the zoo, the rain, the never-ending editing of my excessively long newsletter, my mother's endless baking, the overdose of ginger, the indulgence of Spiers or the strange yet rather amusing fact that Jean has found more kindred spirits who've bonded with her through the love of the husband. Oy.

It seems that my brain refuses to budge...it's rebelling against me! ArGH! I'm sttttuuuucckkkkk in the proverbial dustbin of my mind...lack of inspi-a-ration this week :p

Feels like ol'Godzirra...(yes, I'm utilizing my Japanese) has melted my brain. This picture cheered me up immensely though, thanks Justin! I didn't realize that Procurement Directors were that talented...made me smile.

On the other hand, I finally managed to catch Kitchen Confidential and it was, like, heeelllooo Mr Cooper...I didn't realize he could be hot. I'm not usually one for the blonde/blue eyed type (I'm more for the exotic, looking type) but this suddenly, it was like phwoa! HELLO! Ok, ok...getting all hot under the collar now...I'll control the babbling. Somehow...

Oh and the number of Matthews in the cricle of trust, or of beoing seems to be increasing...I'm up to 3 now! One's a good friend, one's a great writer and one's damned hot! Yah, so Band of Brothers is not only big on story...heh. Is it me or is it hot in here...?!

Thank you, Jeannie :o)

It's Tuesday! I'm still mildly grumpy from the Monday blues and god-dammit but my stupid notebook disc drive refuses to work so I cannot watch Kitchen Confidential! Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!

Can't believe I said that...when I first caught Alias I though Bradley Cooper was the biggest wet blanket character ever and couldn't wait for his character to be offed, then Jean showed me the Kitchen site (I loved the book, Anthony Bourdain rocks!) and all I did was go - oh HELLO, Mr Cooper...disgusting, I am.

It's been sometime since I last did a meme Take Me Back Tuesday from the Music Memoirs, so here goes:

1. First recording artist you had a crush on - Michael Hutchence. The voice, the moves...that melty feeling...Rrrrrooowwrrr
   
2. First band you obsessed over - Take That. I was young, they were hot, I went to queue for hours to catch them in concert in Singapore. I had the posters, the Smash Hits, TV Hits, the CDs, the tshirt, I love, LOVE Robbie, still do but was initially obsessed over Mark...until he sang. Yes, I was a teenage nutbag, that's for sure...street cred this!
   
3. First song you wanted to forget - Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band...Bloody Anchorman, bloody Soundtrack channel...went to Jean's house and caught it on TV. And did it teach me anything??? NOOoooo...cos I went to buy the Anchorman DVD and now, I have the bloody song & the video plus the cast singing it...and now, it's in my head again...so I have to corrupt you folks as well.
   
4. Bonus First:First song that you liked but none of your friends liked - Andy You're A Star, The Killers. It's about Andy Cole and not the other one you people are thinking about...and no, honey, I am not your biggest fan.

I'm a happier girl now. Off to work and to yet another busy, busy week! Oh and bonus points for the person who gets the title....mwaahahahahhaha

Ramadan for many Muslims it is a time to reflect and do good deeds, a time of abstinence, a time for family and tradition.

This year, I am breaking away from that tradition. Yes, I am giving up fasting.

Now, now, I can hear a gathering storm of "gasp, but why?!", "WTF are you thinking?!", "she'll fucking burn in HELL!" Before coming at me with your various brickbats, hear me out people.

I, for one have never been the most fastidious of Muslims and as far as practicing the religion, I fall waayy beyond the wayside. But I have been observing the traditions and practices since birth and so, I can't say that this is the easiest of decisions. This has taken me many years. I mean, look at me! Have you ever seen a more non-traditional Muslim around? Sure, I observe the no-pork rule but it looks like that's the ONLY rule. This coming from a girl who was famous for cutting religious classes, hey, I climbed a freaking fence to run off in my headgear and everything - call me an idiot but I looked like a bloody Casper escaping from his insane uncles. Can you believe that my parents thought that it'll do me well to do to religious school? Well, I can't blame them for trying.
The halal thing? Let's not even go there...

So what's the point of keeping up this farce anyway? I don't pray, I don't practice, I can't read a word of Jawi (yes, I know that the books come in English but that is not the point), I don't see myself doing the Haj thing, and boy, do I drink...Why pray if I don't have faith? Sure I can do the five times a day, I can recite the prayers, do the ablutions but empty words beget an empty mind and I just cannot do that. It has to mean something. I don't do the empty faith thing - Just like I don't pay a compliment that is not genuine.

I've seen and heard of many people just going to church or to the temple just because they have to - my parents want me to! Or better yet, only if they've sinned and need a recourse or if they need something. Hey God, I need a favour...what the hell is that about?

Why practice a religion, just because? Is it more a question traditional practices or that of doing something out of rote? Are you religious if you simply show up in church every Sunday? What happened to faith? Where does one's beliefs lie? Do you think God is like the Tooth Fairy? WTF people?!

Have I lost faith? Yes. Do I still see myself as a Muslim? Well, that bit needs to be figured out...I'm at a plateau where I can pretty much see whatever is there but I just don't know. I want to figure things out first before jumping into anything...Or even reaffirming my faith.

Sure, there are the friends who will go but you CANNOT do it! The mockers who go, well I knew she would do it anyway...And the detractors who will disbelieve anything.

To all y'all I ask, Why Not? I can't see myself doing something that I have lost faith in. Do you? I'd like to see people debate me on this one. I welcome a challenge.

I've found new kindred spirits over the last weekend...and had an absolute blast.

After much prodding (Dong) and whining (me), I finally met up with the ladies that Dong has been paddling (as in Dragon boating...) with. The ladies were a really fun bunch who came from all around the world to paddle on the...Canadian team. A team, that apparenly consists of about only three real Canadians...eh, maybe they can re-name it the Cha-pa-lang team!

Anyways, after a long dinner, we decided that we needed to liqour up and of course, try the stupid G-Max in Clarke Quay...So brave. Fortified by a round of Slippery Nipples, Mel, Rina and me, got strapped up and prepared to launch. For the uninitiated...everything looks fine and dandy. Until, they strap you in...you can't breathe, your boobs are squashed, you've got a death grip on the safety belt, then they tip you back...you look at the inky night sky....and YYYYYYYAAAAAAIIIIIiIIIEEEEEEE!!!

Shot dunno how many bloody feet up into the sky, arms, legs, lungs, stomach all jumble...the people on the other side of the bloody Quay can hear me and God, probably almost went deaf. But maaaannnn....what a rush! After that first, intro to the night, everything went swimmingly...we even lured Belle away from her exciting Friday night (sleeping in...for shame!). Went to countless bars, pubs, danced until our feet ached, hellooo-ed a lot of boys...MMMmmmm. Alchohol tally at the end of the night: 3 glasses of red wine, 1/2 bottle of beer, approx 8 shots of every bloody shooter you can imagine. Hello tally: 4...Went home a happy camper :o)

Saturday, we had one of the funniest times wakeboarding ever...with the Bonger. We call her the Rainmaker and boy, did she earn her stripes! Picture this (stop singing the @#%$$% song! Yeah, you know who you are): so, it was sunny and hot, all the way from Clementi, to Woodlands to Punggol...Jean & I didn't get lost. We bitched about the weather and then, and then, we got there...Bong put a foot on the pier...first there were splotches, then can a shower...then came the lightning, followed by thunder...Oy. Jean finally got wet on the boat! Makeup nowhere in sight...we fortified ourselves with more alchohol, which seems to be a running theme for the weekend. We capped of one of our better weekend rides with a wink and a jibe...hehe. Mels tally for the weekend - 3. Melanie, Melissa and Melvin...(one of these ones isn not like the other...one of these ones is not the same...)

Later that night, we hung out at Cafe Cosmo, thanks to Matt, who was spinning some tunes...who knew that there was an obsure little indie cafe in starchy Singapore? For me it was bliss...good music, great atmosphere, friends...a really great chillout place. For Matt, it was like work, only better cos he got to play the bands he liked - still service ah! For Li...well, she looked like she was gonna fall asleep on the floor - where's frigging James Blunt when you need him?! The girl needs a jolt! Oh and a hug - James, come to Singapore! Please!!!

Looking over the events of the weekend, it struck me that while you do have a main group of friends that you hang out with almost all the time, hanging out with different people allows you to explore different facets of yourself and others. Don't get me wrong, I love the girls to death and will never trade them for anything, even if we all can be a pain in the ass sometimes...I found it refreshing to hang out with people who have a different set of interests and ideals. Not that I would go out and Dragon Boat or anything but those girls really know how to work, party and paddle like mad...the amount of anergy they have is amazing! I like to get wet and all, but, I'll stick to dancing for now, thank you very much.

Funnily enough, I've also observed that your friends are like an extension of your personality...they are the people that you can never be or the people that you want to be deep inside. Meaning, like any group, you have your core personalities...the geek, the sweetheart, the ballbuster, the dudes etc and if you look closely, you'd see that some of your friends posses traits that you'd like to have...for example, I am not enough of a people-person like Dong or a stern-mama like Belle. I don't possess Jean's kookiness or Lizzy's frankness and honestly, if I can make it rain like Bong, I'd piss meself...but that's is what makes us work.

Can you imagine having people who are exactly like you in a group? That's fucking weird and you'd probably fight all the time. Everyone'll be strung out and stressed...I like having many different people around and talking to them just makes me see myself in a different aspect.

Personalities that make up a whole bunch... that's what it's all about...if you know what I mean ;o)