My mood swings have never been a great thing but lately it seems to be getting worse. Why? This time around it's work frustrations.

I recently had a conversation with my immediate superior about work-life in general and while nothing mind-blowing was brought up, it gave me the opportunity to air my frustrations. And heck, there is quite a list. As everyone around me probably knows, I'm one of those insane people who usually enjoys their work. For me, doing something that I enjoy and do well brings tremendous satisfaction.

But increasingly I find that work pressure, particularly pressure that comes from the people above procrastinating on important projects and the posessing the inability to decide just drives me nuts! And the kicker of it all is that they will turn around and blame YOU for it. You are the slow, lazy one. YOU are the bad writer. YOU cannot meet deadlines. YOU this, YOU that...and never them. Sometimes I wonder, have they ever stopped to think that perhaps they are the problem? Why NOoooo, because, THEY are perfect...THEY believe that they are the BEST. They are the boss. Things get even more exciting when they are asked to make decisions. And for the first time in my working career, a superior actually says, out loud and in a team meeting...well, I don't know, you decide.

Elo? Who is the fucking boss here? If we can choose, it would be to get rid of the boss cos we sure as hell were a happier, more productive bunch last year without one.

Here's another career first: when superiors critique my work, the writing always comes back stronger, sharper and snappier. This time around it comes back wordier, lengthier and clunkier...WTF???!!! I am not writing thesis or university textbooks! I've always taken editing to mean that the work submitted will be somehow improved and have prided myself in being open to constructive criticism but this is absolutely ridiculous, why? Because she'll deliberately NOT tell me where it is...just that it's simply there and no, it's not her job to do my work. Wait, aren't bosses put there to guide? @#!@$$%$%$%^!!!

Approvals take forever and while I can appreciate the need to perfect everything before publication, do we really need to drag production of a simple newsletter for 6 months and then blame the writer? Or drag collateral production for months on end? The management has noticed that although the team got larger, we are not producing. All we have is a giant talking head. But have they ever stopped to ask why? Do they look at how absurd it is to get things approved? To get things moving? To even do anything? People are moping around for god's sake! Ask the people.

I do I step back and assess the situation. Yes, the boss is in a high pressure situation, the job is extremely demanding and requires a lot of hard work. I see the high pressure and know that demands are constant and peers are always looking to see you fall. That said, you'd think that the person will be humble enough to heed the advice and offer of help from the people who've been there? Never! Hell will freeze over again before she stoops to our lowly levels. I do make exceptions, I try very hard to understant. Hell, I should know, I have raised two kids, cared for a home, worked full time and studied all at the same time. Exceptions, I will make. Understand I will but no one can excuse things all the time. This is work! Sympathy or what I have of it, just flies out the window after that.

I am very aware that although my immediate superior has the unenvied position of being sandwiched and pushed like crazy on both sides, I cannot help but be selfish. Look, no one is ever going to come up to me and go poor baby, let me make it all better. I, and only I have a say in how I want to run my life. Sure there are the surrounding people and affecting circumstances but in all reality, I choose. I decide. I protect. I am terribly realistic that way. And I will not allow anyone to push, trample or try to tear down all my hard work just because they wish to make themselves look or feel better.

In the end, I told my immediate superior that yes, I will pull up my socks and slog for the greater good, the good life, work for the company and all that good stuff - honestly, I will. This place has fantastic development opportunities. But we'll see how long my patience will last before someone gets stomped on. Usually not for very long, as many will attest to. I guess now we'll wait and see.

These days with the advent of such digital marvels as the ipod, various MP3 players, online music sales and downloads it seems that more and more people are wither buying, offloading or stealing music off the net.

And while you have to marvel at the people who can download the latest albums or the funkiest songs, it sometimes makes me wonder - do these people really care about the music? All i seem to hear from people these days is what CD do you have? Can I burn it? It doesn't seem to matter if the songs are actually something they like or even original. All these people care about is amassing more stuff - bloody hoarders. And when asked, but do you really like say... Journey? They'll look at you cluelessly and go, Who the heck is that? Times like that, I feel a smack is in order.

Sure, there used to be a time when artists came into the industry - to make a difference, to be heard but in the age of the musical empires, it takes a supremely naive being to even believe that the artists or 'musicians' in the industry are solely there to record the songs that they believe in. It's no longer I wanna be heard. It's I want a No.1 record, I want you to desire me...and maybe squeeze in a few songs that I kinda wrote for additional street cred. Perhaps there are still a few of them who believe in the dream but try telling that to the manufactured pop-stars...whether we like it or not, the cookie cutter star is here to stay. It frustrates the crap out of the serious music fans but still, you have to weed out the posers before you can get to the great stuff.

But do the people really listen? Do you remember the first time you heard a song off the radio and was blown away? I do. God help me. It was sometime in the 1980s when I first heard Livin' On A Prayer...and I LOVED it. It doesn't matter if the song is cheesy, but hey, if Tommy & Gina belived that they could make it, so can I and if they played this on the radio again, you can bet your ass that I'll be singing to it. I can list a whole bunch of songs that has touched me and taken me through different stages of my life but that's another blog for another day.

This rant is more about the people who simply download or burn stuff for the fun of it all. The people who, when asked, so what type of music do you like? Usually respond with a bland, well, anything nice or anything on the radio...these people should be kicked, boiled in oil, drawn and quartered.

I used to sell music at a local retail outlet and I have to admit that these are the clueless types who makes me wanna just stomp on them. I mean, I'd even respect you if you said, that Tommy Page was your cup of tea! Hey, at least that's a start. You acutally have a clue! Don't just wander into a shop if you've no idea what you like. Sure, the sales person should help you, it's their job but remember: they are not mind readers. Not everyone has the same sucky taste in music as you.

Like the latest Chemical Brothers or the soothing sounds of Steve Tyrrell? Let the poor buggers know. Clue them in. Trust me, it makes all our lives easier if you have at least an inkling of what you like. But sometimes people are such morons.

The only place that people do have to at least listen and note lyrics are probably at a karaoke bar. But still, I've come across a few winners. I've seen people sing I Will Always Love You with the biggest, soppiest grin on their faces - hello, breakup song! Wedding couples (and this is a true anecdote), sit up and take note: The song No Me Ames is not about hearts and flowers and all that crap. It's about a couple fighting and asking each other not to love the other one...get a clue, translate lyrics or at least as someone who knows! *eye-roll*

I admit that even I am guilty of just buying music without listening to the lyrics. But still, in the off hours, when I am by myself, I still take out my CDs, dust off the covers, plonk myself down and really listen to the music. It soothes, it calms and at times, when you are really into the music, it's sheer magic. Try it sometime - you'll be rewarded.

Well, I'm back from a whirlwind trip to Japan. So how was it? In a nutshell, it was:

Five days in Tokyo
Endless memorable moments +
Two highly embarassing moments +
Singing in the rain +
Rushing about like crazy =
One of the best trips I've ever had

It's one of the things that I never thought that I'd do but also one of the very best. Why? Because, right before the trip, I was burnt out, frustrated, tired and pissed off at anything and everyone.

The wonderful thing about suddenly chucking everything aside and just going is that it allowed me to take a step back from work and the daily grind and just simply enjoy. Zurich was fun for the very simple reason that a bunch of good friends got together to see more of the world. But Japan was different because it allowed me to reconnect with a dear friend, meet up with fairly new ones, experience new things and meet new people.

The scary thing about Japan is that almost everything's in Japanese and for the unsuspecting (ie; stupid) traveller (ie; yours truly) it was one hell of a wet experience because not only did I manage to get an impromptu shower in the toilet, I also managed to get a security guard all afluster. He thought that I called for help. It's a wonder if they'll ever let me back into Japan after that little fiasco...

Culturally, much of the Japanese way of life is still steeped in tradition. Although, the alternative side is stealthily creeping in. And while all the celebrities are making a big doo-dah about the wonders of shopping in Harajuku and Shibuya, I personally didn't think much of it. Why? Because it's bloody expensive! What sort of crazy person will shell out US$60 for a top that costs S$20? Only a rich and less-travelled fool, I say. What I loved about Tokyo in general was the extremely interesting people. And we're talking decked out in the most outlandish and garish mish-mash of clothes ever. And I'm not even talking about the Cosplay people. These are the average guys/girls on the street who dress in 3-4 layers of clothes and the funkiest accessories.

But, the top takeaways that I'll always remember:

1. Fresh sushi and sashimi in Tusjiki - so orgasmic, nothing else will ever come close (oh wait - maybe there is ;o))
2. Speeding through downtown Tokyo on a motorbike at night
3. Setting off a fountain in the loo
4. Playing with fireworks on our last night - we made so much noise and almost burnt down some trees! It's all Hama's fault!
5. Misty mountains and running around like mad in the rain in Kamikochi
6. Salsa!

Heal me. I’m heartsick. I’m hungry and I'm broken.
I'm haunted, and weeping the blood of heaven flowing
like a river tonight. Tears I can't fight on my own.
I'm a haunted heathen. I’m hung and barely breathing.
The drowning ocean. Snuff the sun in motion.
There’s a pill on my tongue.

A shot from a gun, the bottle's bottom,
I'm lonely as a star
Heal me. I’m heartsick.
Hungry thought I could survive on you.
Hear my heartsick hungry cry.
I'm heartsick.

(Thanks to the guys from No Vacancy and Adam Pascal, whose voice I love)
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At this moment and for the past 2 weeks, this is exactly how I feel...not exactly sure why, but lately I've been moody, distracted and slightly depressed. Is it work? Friends? Family? Anything else?

Truthfully, I don't know. What's worse is that people are starting to notice...crap.

All I know is that I haven't been feeling my absolute best for a while now and it kind of worries me. What I probably need is to rest completely and shut myself away from people. To rest and then perhaps things will start to look a little better and less bleak. All I feel now is just...sigh. Fuck, I'm Marvin the Paranoid Andriod.

Mopey, I am so mopey...even a tray full of snowcones and the boyfriend will not cheer me up. For now.